The Diary Of Laurence Flynn  Welcome to My Home
by PrincessZiggy102
Summary: A tlc fan fiction: Laurence Flynn tries to throw a party in his new flat to make some more friends in the hospital, but as usual, everything goes terribly wrong for him!


Welcome To My Home

Written by

Ziggy Newman©

**SCENE 1 INT. mess - DAY**

_Laurence flynn enters and makes actions to the following SPEECH_

**NARRATOR: **

(V.O.) This is Laurence Flynn. He's your average 28 year old man with decent looks, charming personality and good body shape. He enjoys art, music, theatre and other girly things. (beat) in his spare time, Laurence likes to amuse himself by writing horror novels and drawing Japanese anime drawings of his characters. Overall Laurence lives a very happy life with lots of aspirations and surprises! However sometimes all of a sudden, Laurence's life seems to change slightly with his happy regimes suddenly becoming disrupted by a cloud of cynical misery. (beat) This usually happens when he wakes up in the morning and realises… he's a doctor!

_laurence COLLAPSES on the nearby sofa_

he sits up

**laurence:**

(_acting out a "focused" gesture_) coffee

_laurence gets up and makes himself A cup of coffee._

_he then begins to ad ADDITIONAL grain to his mug_

**Laurence (CONT'D):**

(adding the grain) one, two, three, four, five hours!

_Laurence drinks the coffee making him shudder slightly from the foul taste_

_he becomes instantly energetic_

**LAURENCE (CONT'D):**

Right! (_CLAPS HIS hands_) now I'm ready to hit the ward!

_laurence BEGINS to walk CONFIDENTly to the ward but COLLAPSES on the sofa again with A sob_

**laurence (CONT'D):**

I can't be bothered

_DR STEphEN noble enters_

**noble:**

All right Flynn?

**flynn:**

(_mumbling_) hello

**noble:**

You seen my lucky pen anywhere?

**flynn:**

(_still mumbling_) no

_noble notices flynn's depression_

_he sits down on the sofa next to him_

**noble: **

(_in A patronising voice_) what's wrong? Has someone been mean to you?

**flynn:**

No just my way of getting through the day

**noble:**

The day hasn't begun yet

**flynn:**

Everyone starts somewhere

**noble:**

Come on what's wrong?

**flynn:**

(_sigh_) ok. If you must know I'm depressed

**noble:**

You're always depressed!

**flynn:**

Yeah. Well I'm particularly depressed now!

**noble: **

And why might that be?

**flynn:**

Well I've been thinking,

**noble:**

Uh oh!

**flynn:**

I mean I've been working here too months now and still…

**noble:**

You still haven't done it

**flynn:**

No! I still haven't found medicine to be what I want it to be!

**noble:**

Oh you're worried about that again?

**flynn:**

Yeah it's pathetic isn't it?

**noble:**

There's no need to worry about _that _Flynn. (_puts his hand on flynn's shoulders_) Here. Let me tell you a little story…

**flynn:**

Oh great

_music begins to play as noble narrates_

**noble:**

You see Flynn when I was your age

**flynn: **

Which was only two years ago

**noble:**

Yes. When I was your age, I didn't have the best of times. Sometimes I thought life was not worth living

_music stops_

_there is silence_

**flynn:**

What that doesn't make sense. What happened after that?

**noble:**

Life doesn't make sense Flynn. You can't expect the world spell everything out for you, you have to dig deeper into life's inner sub textual meaning.

**flynn: **

(_confused_) (_pause_) Ok well it didn't quite solve my problem

**noble:**

You'll figure it out when you're older!

**flynn:**

(_beat_) Ok I'll bear it in mind then.

**noble: **

Good and then when the day comes that you're feeling all low and just everything in the world to just go away. You can think of those kind words Dr Noble told you and everything will be much better again.

**flynn: **

Yes if I haven't jumped off a cliff before hand

_flynn's bleeper goes off_

_he groans and faints to the floor_

**flynn (CONT'D):**

Drive me to casualty

_noble rolls his eyes and drags flynn by the leg out of the room exiting_

**SCENE 2 INT. corridor - DAY**

_flynn and noble walk towards the ward having been in CASUALTY_

**laurence:**

Well that was pointless.

**noble:**

Yeah well he shouldn't have bleeped us. Was a dirty prank

**laurence:**

Yeah well I'm used to it now. It's not as if it doesn't happen (looks at noble) everyday!

**noble:**

Come on cheer up Flynn. You've got lots to be happy about

**laurence:**

Like what?

**noble:**

Well I don't know if you remembered but it's your 1 month anniversary here at South Middlesex!

**laurence:**

Oh how could I forget! (_under his breath_) Not that I wouldn't want to forget.

**noble:**

Come on! Don't you see what this means?

**laurence:**

Not really.

**noble:**

Look this a chance for you to make a fresh start. So you've had difficult opening month. Happens to everyone.

**laurence:**

Hey your right. I don't need to keep up this crazy life charade if I don't want to.(_beat_) Right I'll make it official!

**noble: **

Great!

**laurence:**

From now on I'm gonna be a whole new Flynn. (_counts on fingers_) No more cock ups, no more stress, no more screaming and most importantly no more slap…

_just laurence begins to finnish his sentence, by whacking his arm out to the side he knocks a passing female JUNIOR DOCTOR down a nearby staircase._

**laurence (CONT'D):**

(to the doctor) Oh god SORRY!

_FLYNN AND NOBLE GO TO help up THE DOCTOR WHO HANDS LANDED AT THE BOTTOM OF THE STAIRCASE CONSTANTLY GRIPPING HER HEAD IN HER PAIN_

**NOBLE: **

Are you all right?

**doctor:**

Oh god! (_to flynn_) Watch where you put your hand will you!

**flynn:**

I'm really sorry. Let me have a look

**doctor:**

No! Please! Don't touch me! Thank you

_the doctor exits with a sigh and laurence returns to his depression_

**flynn: **

(_sarcasm_) Well _that _was a good start!

**noble: **

Hey that was just the last of it! _Now _you can start a fresh

**flynn:**

I certainly hope so

**noble:**

Here gimmie your bleeper!

**flynn:**

(getting his bleeper out) Why?

_noble throws flynn's bleeper out of a nearby window_

**laurence (CONT'D):**

WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR!

**Noble:**

(_HANDING FLYNN A NEW BLEEPER_) Present!

**laurence:**

(_taking the new bleeper_) What is it?

**noble: **

Polyphonic bleeper _and _it takes pictures!

**laurence:**

(_connecting the bleeper to his belt loop_) Oh great! I've heard about these!

**noble:**

Everyone in the hospital's got one

_noble's bleeper goes off playing a REAL TONE version of the yeah yeah yeah's "I got a date with the night"_

**noble (CONT'D):**

Speaking of which _mines _just gone off now!

**flynn:**

You think it's the same guy?

**noble:**

Na. He only picks on the weird doctors.

_flynn looks at noble_

**flynn: **

(_sarcasm_) Thanks Noble. You really know how to make me feel better.

**noble:**

Rise above it Flynn! Come on! Enjoy your bleeper! I'll see you on the ward later

_noble exits leaving flynn with an inspirational smile whilst looking at his bleeper._

**SCENE 3 INT. a ward - DAY**

_judy conway, is standing near the ward desk reading notes_

_flynn enters, notices judy and becomes very nervous DESPERATELY trying to make himself look attractive._

_In a hugely DESPERATE attempt he completely lets himself go SEXUALLY and becomes overwrought with passion._

**flynn:**

(_in a sassy voice_) Ready for action!

_flynn does a manly walk towards judy causing her to roll her eyes_

_however as flynn does so, gasman appears from under a floor tile knocking him over with a spin making him land face down at judy's feet with scream_

**_Laurence (CONT'D):_**

Ow. (_mumbling_) hello Judy

**judy: **

You know it's funny Dr Flynn. You'd think I'd get bored of you trying to chat me up all the time but I never do cause you always find a new way of doing it.

**laurence:**

Is it too late to try again?

**judy: **

No I guess not.

**laurence:**

Oh ok. (_sitting up_) erm… Would you like to go out some time?

**judy:**

Aww not this time Dr Flynn. Good attempt though

_as judy returns to the ward desk, laurence groans and turns his attention to gasman_

**laurence:**

What are you doing?

**gasman:**

Someone's stolen my lucky pen. I will search every ward until I find it!

**laurence:**

Your not gonna do very well if your stuck in that little block

**gasman:**

I have my methods doctor Flynn

**laurence:**

Noble's lost his lucky pen as well. What's so lucky about them?

**gasman: **

What! You don't know! A lucky pen is a surgeon's best friend! Isn't it Noble!

**noble: **

Oh yeah. Dunno what I'd do without it. Speaking of which you haven't seen it have you?

**gasman: **

It's not passed my sight I'm afraid to say Dr Noble.

**noble:**

Ah no worries. It'll turn up somewhere.

**laurence:**

What's so lucky about it?

**noble:**

At the end it has a distinct coffee aroma that's strong enough to keep you awake for four hours from just one sniff.

**flynn:**

Oh brilliant!

**noble:**

(_reaches for a glittering pen from his pocket_) Here you can have my old one!

**flynn: **

Oh thanks. Not that I'll need it cause I'm making a fresh start and that comes with it's own luck! (looks at the SPARKLY coloured pen) Wow it's gorgeous.

**gasman:**

(_IN A PSYCHO LIKE MANNER_) The pretty colours distract you from your real life!

_LAURENCE BECOMES SLIGHTLY nervous_

**LAURENCE:**

O…..k

_MR RON, SISTER CHARITY HOPE AND A GROUP OF MEDICAL STUDENTS ENTER THE AREA_

**mr ron:**

All set for the ward round team? (_seeing gasman_) oh god it's you

**gasman:**

Yes.

**mr ron:**

Still looking for that pen are you?

**gasman:**

Yes and I will keep annoying you by doing so until I find it! I've already been in your office and though I appreciate you trying to give me pain by letting me shower in boiling hot tea I think you should clean it up.

**mr ron:**

Will do after the ward round

**gasman:**

(_psycho_) No wait… leave it…. I can go back for more.(beat) yes that'll be fun!

(_pause_)

**gasman (CONT'D):**

See you in theatre later.

_gasman exits under the FLOOR TILE with a look of sexual charge on his face_

**mr ron:**

So who do we have today sister?

**hope:**

Whole new set sir

**mr ron:**

Excellent. Are they all eager to see their consultant

**hope: **

Well they are in pain sir (_UNDER HER BREATH_) But I'm sure they wouldn't mind being in a bit more pain

**mr ron: **

It's a wonderful way to start the week. To us doctors there is nothing better than being able to meet a whole group of faces isn't that right Noble?

**Noble: **

Oh yes sir!

**flynn:**

(_standing up_) Hello Mr Ron.

**mr ron: **

Yes can I help you?

**flynn:**

(pause) I'm your house surgeon?

_no RESPONSE_

**flynn (CONT'D):**

Dr Flynn? (_beat_) don't you remember?

**mr ron:**

Oh yes of course. Flint.(_beat_) How could I forget?(_beat_) I'd thought you'd left us.

**flynn:**

Er no just had a few days off that's all.

**noble:**

He wants to make a new start sir

**hope:**

Oh really doctor Flynn was does that involve?

**flynn:**

I just want put a lot of things behind me.

**judy:**

What kind of things doctor Flynn

**flynn:**

(_beat_) well I

_everyone looks at flynn with raised eyebrows_

**flynn (CONT'D):**

Look I wanna admit that I didn't have the greatest or strongest opening month and (_beat_) I know I may have made a few (_beat_) mistakes in the past few weeks. But that's probably because this is my first job after all and I was very nervous and I didn't know what to expect and that probably rubbed off in my behaviour. But I've settled down now so… whatever I've done that's been particularly…. Unsettling, it's all in the past and I promise it wont happen again.

_short pause_

**hope: **

Well I hope so Flynn cause I don't appreciate maggots on my ward

**laurence:**

No sister

**hope:**

Especially if they are eating my patients

**laurence:**

No

**hope:**

Nor do I enjoy wasting my precious drugs on wooden legs.

**laurence:**

No

_LAURENCE BECOMES more AND MORE STRESSED AS THE OTHERS TALK ABOUT HIS line of cock ups_

**hope:**

Not just because it's plain stupid but more it's boring as it's been done so many times before.

**judy: **

Don't forget the banging into doors

**hope:**

Oh how could I forget. Considering how many times I've seen _that_ done

**noble: **

What about the sleeping with the old women?

**judy:**

Oh yeah _that _was original. (_beat_) You could see it coming though!

**noble:**

Hey that was _your _fault

**FLYNN:**

(_FINALLY BREAKING DOWN IN NERVES_) PLEASE! Please! Lets just forget about it! It's all in past. I'm a completely different person now.

**mr ron:**

Really Dr flint?

**noble: **

It's true sir. You'll be glad to know that he doesn't scream anymore.

_laurence pulls a smug face to impress judy_

**noble (CONT'D):**

Except when his bleeper goes off

**flynn:**

Noble

**noble:**

And he doesn't try to kill himself anymore

_flynn pulls a less confidently smug face_

**noble (CONT'D):**

Except when his bleeper goes off

**flynn:**

Noble

**noble:**

AND! You'll be pleased to know (_puts arm around flynn_) that he's removed all anxiety related dreams, multiple personalities and physical discharges from his system completely.

_flynn TRIES to make a smile and NOD but is OVERWHELMED with EMBARRASSMENT_

**noble (CONT'D): **

Except when his…

**flynn:**

(_quietly to noble_) (_IN EXTREME DESPERATION_) Noble for once be nice to me!

**noble:**

Flynn relax you didn't let me finish (_beat_) (_to mr ron_) Except when he's drunk

**flynn: **

NOBLE!

**Noble:**

What? I gave a different reason.

_laurence rolls his eyes_

**noble (CONT'D):**

AND! He's got a polyphonic bleeper!

_noble pulls a cheesy smile and shows a thumbs up with both hands as if he is PARODYING himself_

_Nurse terry cheung appears from nowhere_

**terry:**

(_SEXUALLY interested_) Really?

**mr ron:**

Terrance. Nice to see you on the wards for a change

**terry:**

Oh thank you Mr Ron just doing my bit for the community

**hope:**

And we love you for it but we're ok up here thank you.

**terry:**

(_exiting_) just bleep me if you want me (_to flynn_) And I don't necessarily mean in the literal sense

laurence rolls his eyes as terry exits

**mr ron:**

Now back to the ward round

_juanita macatinez appears from behind a privacy curtain_

_she is crying her eyes out and runs of the ward in dramatic fashion_

**flynn:**

What's wrong with Juanita?

**hope:**

God knows. It would take Steve hawking to make any sense of that girl

**judy: **

Well she's leaving tomorrow. Perhaps she's actually gonna miss us

**flynn:**

Oh of course it's her last day today we should get her a cake.

**hope:**

I wouldn't bother. She probably can't tell happy birthday from get well soon.

**noble:**

We could sing the song anyway. Come on it'll be fun she wont know what we're talking about. (_singing_) Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you (goes into a sexual fantasy world) Happy birthday dear Sabrina. (_imagines having sex with some ahhs, yeahs and ugh sounds_)

_while noble progresses into his fantasy world, Flynn rolls his eyes with a sigh and gets out a syringe with the words "reality juice" on it_

_he injects it into nobles arm causing him to come back to REALITY with a shock_

_in his shock he turns and holds flynn by the neck_

**noble:**

(DESPERATE) (QUIETLY to flynn) Mate! You've got to stop me doing that in public!

**flynn:**

I'm trying. You need to control yourself (shows syringe) this is gonna run out in a week

**mr ron: **

Er I don't mean to break the madness but we have patients to see. Now! The ward round.

_the telephone rings_

**mr ron:**

Oh for god sake

**hope:**

Excuse me Mr Ron

_sister goes to answer the phone_

**flynn:**

(sarcastic) (TO NOBLE) Well this is moving smoothly

**noble: **

I'm sure the patients are happy enough

_a NEARBY women in bed 1 starts talking to noble_

**women: **

Excuse me doctor. You couldn't keep him away for another half hour could you

**flynn: **

Oh?

**women:**

He scares me so much. I've heard so many stories I'm going insane with fear.

**flynn: **

Oh no don't listen to those. Honestly there's a lot of rude people in this hospital, they just like winding people up. (ROLLING EYES) I would know.

**noble: **

There's nothing to worry about

**women:**

Oh good. Sometimes the fear brings my hormones on early!

_flynn becomes TERRIFIED_

**flynn: **

(trying to shield himself with his hand) Male doctor! Male doctor!

**hope: **

Doctor Flynn? Personal call.

**flynn:**

Oh?

_laurence goes to answer the phone_

**judy:**

Would you like to start the ward round numerically sir?

**mr ron:**

Why not

**women:**

Oh damn it! (tense) OH! Here they come!

**mr ron: **

Summery please staff

**judy:**

This is Cassie Freeman a 28 year old lady doctor Noble admitted last night with

**Noble: **

Compound fracture in the left thigh bone sir!

**mr ron:**

Oh interesting doctor Noble.

**flynn:**

(on phone) (neurotic) oh! No! No! You can't do that! (beat) But I've only just moved in!

**mr ron:**

Perhaps we should have a look

**women:**

Oh I'd really rather you didn't

**flynn:**

(ON PHONE) Where am I supposed to sleep. (beat) Yeah I know I don't get any sleep but that's not the point!

**mr ron:**

I really think we should take a look

**women:**

But…

**mr ron:**

It wont be any trouble. Staff if you please?

**flynn:**

No don't hang up on me! ARGH! (SLAMS THE PHONE DOWN)

_laurence becomes in a state of anger and, due to so, starts BANGING his head on the ward desk causing a scene around the area_

**mr ron:**

Dr Flynn is their a spider attached to your face by any chance?

**judy:**

That would explain a lot

**noble:**

I'll deal with him sir

**women:**

No! don't leave me alone!

_noble walks up to flynn and grabs him by both is tie and the stethoscope around his neck pulling him out of the ward with a chock_

**flynn:**

Why both the tie _and_ the stethoscope!

**noble:**

Come on Flynn

_they exit for a MINUTE UNTIL flynn walks back in_

**laurence:**

(TO THE WOMEN) Just out of interest you didn't happen to hear anything about me did you?

**noble: **

(grabbing flynn again) come on Flynn!

**laurence: **

AH! PICK ONE OR THE OTHER! PICK ONE OR THE OTHER!

_THEY EXIT_

**SCENE 4 int. RELATIVES room - DAY**

_noble drags flynn onto A chair in the RELatIVES room_

**noble:**

Ok. What's going on?

_laurence STRUGGLES to BREATH in his panic_

**noble (CONT'D): **

Do you want some oxygen?

_flynn NODS_

_noble hands flynn an oxygen mask in which takes a huge gasp_

**flynn:**

That was the warden. She says she wants me out of my flat by tomorrow.

**noble:**

Yeah so?

**flynn:**

So! First I nearly kill another doctor, then I get reminded of every reason why I've tried to forget I'm here and now I have no place to live. (sarcasm) great! This is a good start to my new way of life.

**noble: **

Everyone got that call Flynn.

**flynn:**

What?

**noble:**

Everyone has to leave their rooms cause they're giving the building a re work cause one of the water pipes leaked.

**FLYNN:**

No one told me! (beat) well no no one _would _cause everyone hates me here!

**noble:**

It's not that bigger deal it means we get a better building. It's only for 2 weeks

**flynn:**

And where am I supposed to sleep?

**noble:**

Just go home. They wont expect you to be on call

**flynn:**

Home?

**noble:**

Yeah.

_there is a pause. Flynn looks confused._

**noble (CONT'D):**

Don't tell me you don't have a flat?

**flynn:**

Flat?

**noble:**

Flynn you can't live in your on call room.

**flynn:**

Why not?

**noble:**

Because you'll never get any peace if you do that. No wonder your such a mess.

**flynn: **

Well where else can I live. I can't afford anything else

**noble:**

Sure you can?

**flynn:**

What on junior doctors wage?

**noble:**

yeah

**flynn:**

From south Middlesex?

**noble:**

Good point. Well look you can stay at my house until you find somewhere but I really think it'll be good for you to get out of this place.

**flynn:**

Yeah. Imagine what that's like

_the pair go into a dreamy fantasy state_

**noble:**

Piece and quiet when ever you want it. Good coffee without having to fight for it.

**flynn:**

All the sleep you want with no bleep or intercourse in next room to wake you up.

(pause)

**flynn (CONT'D):**

Lets go now!

_the pair run off exiting_

**SCENE 5 INT. noble household - main living area - DAY**

_laurence sits on the sofa wearing nothing but a white bathrobe still damp for a bath he had EARLIER. He is looking at a housing magazine circle POTENTIAL PROPERTIES_

_noble enters fully dressed with some tea._

**laurence:**

Thanks for letting me stay Noble. Its always been a dream to get out of that place.

**noble:**

Oh no problem. How's the house hunting going?

**laurence:**

Terrible. I can't afford _any _of these

**noble: **

(looking at the magazine) oh that's old. Doesn't have the new values in (HANDING FLYNN A NEWER PROPERTY MAGAZINE). Here's the new one. You'll probably find it's a bit more realistic.

_laurence looks at the magazine and nearly busts into tears_

**flynn:**

Oh no! (beat) I'll never move into any of _these_.

**noble:**

Why not?

**flynn:**

(shows noble the magazine) Well look at the price, look at the location and that's just the single rooms on top of arcades!

**noble: **

It's not that bad. (indicates) Here look at that one. That seems nice. Only 55 thousand.

**flynn: **

Oh no. I enquired about that one eelier. They told me it was a luxury apartment, with easy access and a peaceful environment.

**noble: **

And?

**flynn:**

Turned out to be a cleaner's office in a toilet block in the middle of Trafalgar Sqaure.

**noble: **

Nice and central?

_laurence gives noble an irritated look_

**noble (CONT'D):**

What about _that _place?

**flynn:**

(disgusted) I can't live _there_!

**noble:**

Why not? It's only a mile to the hospital

**flynn:**

(beat) yes from Heathrow airport! (becomes more NEUROTIC) Ugh this is impossible! How could this happen?

**noble: **

It happened to everyone Flynn.

**flynn:**

Oh well it's alright for you! You have a cosy house to come home too everyday with your pots of money waiting for you to burn them!

**noble:**

Don't take this out on _me_ Flynn!

**flynn:**

(neurotic tearful rant) Oh and how can I not! You always have everything going on for you all the time with your money and your job and your women it's not fair! (CRYING) Just once in my life I want things to go my way! I need a drink!

_flynn stands up and begins to fetch a drink from the table but noble stops him_

**noble:**

Your not drinking after you've had a bath!

**flynn: **

Why not!

**noble:**

Well for one you need to learn to control yourself and two I know you can say "I can talk" but I don't want you getting out of hand. (beat) (noticing how flynn is dressed only in the bathrobe) Your not dressed for it! (beat) (Placing flynn on the sofa again) Besides the whole point of you being here is so you can relax. You can't do that if you need booze to control yourself. We drink enough of that at the hospital!

**flynn: **

Your right. I'm sorry

**noble:**

It's fine. In the meantime you can stay as long as you need. There's no need to worry.

_laurence smiles_

_noble's wife **sABRINA **ENTERS. sHE IS A GOTHIC, QUIRKY AND INDEPENDENT-LOOKING WOMaN IN HER EARLY THIRTIES COMPLETE WITH BLACK EYE SHADOW, jet black HAIR AND DARK LIPSTICK wearing a red south middlesex psychiatric nurse_ dress.

_laurence stands looking at her in complete shock_

**laurence:**

hello

**sabrina:**

Oh Hello. You must be doctor Flynn. Stephen's told me all about you!

**Laurence: **

Oh really?

**noble:**

(putting his arm around sabrina) This is my wife Sabrina

_flynn becomes even more shocked_

**laurence:**

What!

**noble:**

This is my wife Sabrina

_flynn stands staring for a moment_

**laurence:**

(pause) Oh!

**sabrina:**

Are you alright?

_flynn continues to stand stunned._

**laurence:**

(pause) Really?

**sabrina:**

Has something scared you?

**noble:**

It's your eye shadow darling

**sabrina:**

(clicking her fingers at noble) shut up Stephen!

**flynn: **

No. It's just… You weren't quite what I was expecting!

**sabrina:**

Oh can I ask what you _we're _expecting

**noble:**

Yeah Flynn are you saying she's ugly! (beat) I mean her make up is but really…

_sabrina elbows noble_

_flynn DESPERATELY tries to take back what he just said_

**flynn:**

NO! no! no! It's just….

**sabrina:**

What?

**noble:**

(putting flynn on the spot) Yes Flynn! What!

**flynn: **

(in a bit of a panic) Well… You're not… Like all the other women he's always with

**sabrina: **

(ANGRILY to noble) What other women?

**noble: **

(trying to act innocent) Err..(walks up to flynn and takes hold of his shoulders) Flynn that's not the way you talk to women is it? (TO SABRINA) Sorry he's not used to female attention. He's a virgin.

_flynn shakes noble's hands off of him in his anger and gives noble the evils_

**noble (CONT'D): **

Lets just forget all about it

**sabrina:**

(folding her arms) Oh no I think I'm too interested now!

_noble slowly sits sabrina down on the sofa_

**noble:**

My dear Sabrina. You've obviously had a big day at work. Why don't me and Flynn go into the kitchen and make you a nice cup of tea. And it will be extra special as we're _both _making it! Isn't that right Flynn?

**flynn:**

(Trying to cover his anger) yes

**noble:**

Come on Flynn

_noble drags flynn into the kitchen area out of sabrina's sight_

**FLYNN:**

What did you tell her_ that_ for!

**noble:**

(DESPERATE) Flynn! As much as I understand how much revenge you want to get on me I would appreciate it if you kept your mouth shut!

**flynn:**

(CYNICALLY) Oh so you _don't_tell your wife what you do in your spare time!

**noble:**

No I don't. By the way why are you so surprised by her?

**flynn:**

(looking at sabrina) Well she's quirky and beautiful

**noble:**

Yeah. And?

**flynn:**

Well you usually go for the easy escort girls!

**noble: **

Correction I go for what ever girl I can find!

**flynn:**

I'm surprised

**noble:**

Why? You don't fancy her do you?

**flynn:**

Well no. I mean she's lovely but you know my heart belongs to Judy!

**noble:**

Well good because she's mine! We've been married for 4 years now I don't want that to change! I love that woman!

**flynn:**

Aww that's sweet Noble

**noble:**

Yeah yeah yeah don't go softy on me I'm telling the truth!

**flynn:**

Here's me thinking you're a prince charming disguised prostitute when you really _do_ care for women and their sensitive needs.

_laurence realises the CHEESINESS of what he has just said and gets very afraid_

**flynn (CONT'D): **

Oh my god! That sounded gay!

**noble:**

You need that drink!

**flynn:**

Yes and a double dose of it!

_noble makes flynn and extra strong pimms_

_flynn gulps it down in DESPERATION_

**flynn (CONT'D): **

Oh that's much better!

_laurence starts singing to himself "the STRIPPER" tune_

_as he goes on he begins to strip himself but its stopped by noble_

**noble:**

FLYNN!

_SABRINA APPROACHES THE AREA_

**SABRINA:**

What's going on!

_noble DESPERATELY tries to cover up the drunk SUPPOSEDLY naked flynn in his fright_

**noble:**

NOTHING SABRINA!

**SCENE 6 INT. sAME PLACE - DAY**

_LAURENCE SLEEPS ON THE SOFA WEARING HIS WHITE AND BLUE STRIPED PYJAMAS WITH a white DUVET covering him_

_noble enters in pyjamas and dressing gown and opens the curtains waking him up_

**noble:**

Morning Flynn

_laurence groans at the thought of getting up_

**noble (CONT'D): **

Come on Flynn

**laurence:**

(moaning weakly and trying to cover himself with his DUVET) No I don't wanna

**noble:**

Come on Flynn it's just work!

**laurence:**

It's work for you, it's hell for me

**noble:**

Come on! You don't wanna miss today anyway. It's Graham's engagement party!

**laurence: **

Oh. Who's Graham?

**noble: **

Graham! Lowestoft. Big joker from orthopaedics!

**laurence: **

No I don't know him

**noble:**

You must know him. Everyone knows Graham. Does all the stand up at the doctor's union.

**laurence: **

No I've never heard of him

**noble:**

Well that's shit

**laurence:**

Noble you've got to bear in mind that most of the people at South Middlesex that you hang around with don't like me! So, I hope you don't mind, I don't usually bother learning all their names. (beat) I think it would be inappropriate for me to be there don't you think?

**noble:**

Come on! What's the worst that could happen?

_laurence thinks to himself_

**Fantasy SEQUENCE: INT. mess - DAY **

_a gang of doctors including dr graham lowestoft and noble are throwing SPONGES at what appears to be a human target_

**graham: **

Hey great engagement present Noble!

**noble:**

Oh no problem! Try and get a shot in his nose! That's where he's weakest!

_the target is now REVEALED to be laurence, taped to a pole. He has been stripped naked but is wrapped in a white sheet and is soaking wet from the SPONGES_

_he tries DESPERATELY to keep a smile without crying_

**laurence: **

Yes, your all aiming much better!

_laurence gets whacked in the cheek by a SPONGE resulting in a SYRINGE being injected into his face_

**laurence (CONT'D):**

Oh look that one had a morphine syringe attached to it but it's ok I'll just deal with it!

**end fantasy sequence**

**laurence:**

I really think it would be inappropriate if I was there Noble!

**noble:**

Come on! You know what your problem is Flynn?

**laurence:**

No what?

**noble:**

You don't socialise enough

**laurence:**

(sarcasm) Oh gee I wonder why!

**noble:**

You spend too much time in that little room of yours and now it's been taken away from you this is the perfect opportunity for you to get more. Come hang out with the doctors! Make some new friends!

**laurence:**

Oh friends yeah that takes me back (dreamy) That stuffed dolphin was really cute!

**noble: **

Come to the party and enjoy yourself! Get pissed!

**laurence:**

Fine!

**noble:**

(turning flynn's head to face him) there's a good boy!

_noble clicks his TONGUE at flynn and begins to walk off to make tea_

_laurence NODS at first but then becomes overwhelmed with worry_

**noble:**

That wasn't a turn on

_laurence sighs with relief_

_sabrina enters in a sexual like fashion wearing her PYJAMAS_

**sabrina:**

(to noble) Oi! Lover boy! Are you ready to play!

**noble: **

Oh you! Your ready already are you?

**sabrina:**

Yep! I just make it harder for you everyday!

**flynn:**

Maybe I should give you two some space

**noble:**

Ah na don't worry Flynn. This is just a little game she likes to play every morning

**sabrina:**

(to flynn) Hey it's for a good cause! If he ever wants kids he's gotta have enough stamina! (TO NOBLE) are you ready!

**noble: **

Let the games begin!

_noble turns on the cd player revealing some TRANCE indian sitar music._

_he then plays a game with sabrina in which he has to catch her whilst she runs around the room pausing in SEVERAL places to sexily dance to the music whilst calling to him that he needs to go faster if he wants to catch her. Whilst this goes on, flynn becomes more and more attracted to sabrina's dancing_

_this goes on for a few minutes UNTIL sabrina starts dancing IN FRONT of laurence's face._

_He FINALLY finds himself unable to control himself and stands up in a panic WHILST shouting "oh god" at the same time as trying to cover his now ERECTED penis._

_noble and sabrina stare at him in horror_

**laurence: **

(in a state of large EMBARRASSMENT) Erm…sorry umm…. Perhaps I should go get changed in my car and… I'll meet you at the hospital later….

_noble and sabrina CONTINUE to stare_

**laurence (CONT'D): **

(picking up his clothes and heading for the front door) I'll see you in a bit then

_laurence rushes out the door exiting_

**SCENE 7 INT. laurence's car - DAY**

_laurence sits STILL at the STEERING wheel still in his PYJAMAS with the lock of complete fright on his face_

**laurence:**

(to himself) (DESPERATE) Ok… you just had a boner towards your only friends wife. No worries. Doesn't make you a bad man it was accident…. Just remain calm.

_noble appears from nowhere_

**noble:**

Flynn?

_laurence screams and drives away exiting_

**SCENE 8 INT. doctor's locker room - DAY**

_laurence FINISHES getting dressed by putting on his tie IN FRONT of the mirror_

**laurence:**

(to himself) ok you're a good man. (beat) you're a popular man!

_laurence does a cheesy wink in the mirror whilst SECRETLY laughing to himself about his actions_

_noble appears from nowhere_

**noble:**

Flynn?

**laurence: **

(scream) I'm sorry!

**noble:**

What?

**laurence:**

I'm sorry I was attracted to your wife. (panic) not that she's not attractive! I just….

**noble: **

Oh don't worry about that. I'd forgotten about it

**laurence:**

Oh ok. So are we alright?

**noble:**

Yeah fine

**laurence:**

Oh good. (QUIETLY to noble) Sabrina doesn't think I'm weird does she?

**noble:**

No she was flattered actually!

**laurence:**

(FEELING attractive) Oh really!

**noble:**

_I_ on the other hand!

**laurence:**

(returning to guilt) Oh right sorry

**noble: **

So you ready for the engagement party!

**laurence:**

No

**noble:**

Yes you are! Come on!

_noble takes flynn by the hand and BEGINS to walk out the room when he sees something in an open locker_

**noble (CONT'D):**

Oh _there's _my lucky pen!

_noble is about to reach for his lucky pen but a doctor who has CLAIMED POSSESSION of it stops him with a small scream_

_the doctor comes out of his HIDING place and stands looking at flynn and noble in threat whilst shaking himself._

_because the doctor appears to be insane both flynn and noble get worried_

**noble: **

(reaching for his pen) can I?

**doctor: **

(uptight) no!

**noble: **

(pause) but it's

**doctor:**

It's mine now!

**flynn:**

(scared) I'd let him have it Noble!

_the doctor holds the pen up to his eyes and looks at it in horror_

**doctor: **

What's this! I can see myself! I don't want to see myself! (to noble) what is it!

**noble: **

It's a pen!

**doctor:**

Well it's evil I tell you! (sniffs around) what's that smell?

**noble: **

It's coffee!

**doctor:**

Coffee? (pause) I'll be back

_the doctor runs off dropping the pen as he leaves_

**noble:**

(picking up the pen) oh thank god for that

**flynn: **

(TERRIFIED) Noble! Lets get out of here!

**noble:**

Relax! We've gotta go anyway! Time to for the engagement party!

_laurence sees another lucky pen on the floor and picks it up_

**flynn:**

Oh look there's another lucky pen here!

**noble:**

You keep it Flynn! It will bring you good luck whilst you socialise! Now let's get drunk like real men!

**flynn:**

That's a stereotype!

**noble:**

I don't care!

_noble holds is pen up to his nose and takes a good sniff of the coffee aroma at the end of it_

**noble (CONT'D):**

To the mess!

_noble exits in marching-like fashion_

_laurence begins to follow him by taking a huge sniff of the AROMA of his pen_

_he suddenly becomes a bit sick_

**flynn:**

Oh that one had cocaine in it!

_laurence faints_

**flynn (CONT'D):**

(O.O.V) (taking another sniff) oh that's good shit actually!

**SCENE 9 INT. mess - DAY**

_dr betsy cull and dr jessica rubindi enter and sit down on the sofa_

**betsy:**

Why hello there!

**jessica:**

Good morning! How be you at this fine hour?

**betsy:**

I be good thank you.

**jessica:**

Would you like some coffee?

**betsy: **

That would be marvellous thank you very much.

_jessica makes Betsy a cup of coffee as well as one for herself_

_the two ladies sit on the sofa together_

_(pause)_

**betsy:**

Do you know what's very funny?

**jessica:**

What?

**betsy:**

A man banging into a door!

_the two girls burst out laughing_

**jessica:**

Yes yes. That one never gets old!(beat) You know what's even funnier?

**Betsy:**

What?

**jessica:**

A man pretending to be a door.

_another rush of laughter_

**betsy:**

Oh yes. That one certainly never gets old! (beat) But do you know what's even funnier?

**jessica:**

What?

**betsy:**

A man pretending to be a door, and bashing into himself!

_huge row of laughter_

**BETSY (CONT'D):**

Oh dear. We're a bit sad aren't we?

**Jessica:**

Yes. Is their something in this coffee?

**betsy:**

Well I don't know about you but I seem to detect the slightest spot of crack.

**jessica:**

(licks her lip) yes me too

_noble enters with laurence_

**noble:**

Morning ladies. How be you this fine morning?

**jessica:**

Good thank you

**betsy:**

We've just discovered we're on crack! (beat) How about you?

**noble:**

(slightly concerned) Oh we're good thank you. (CHANGES TONE) Everything set for graham's shock?

**betsy: **

Yes everything's set we're just waiting for everyone else.

_the rest of the doctors enter_

**david:**

He's coming!

**noble:**

Ok everyone places! Quickly!

_all the doctors start hiding in different areas of the room_

**flynn:**

What's going on?

**noble:**

(pulling flynn into his hiding place) Get down Flynn!

_Dr graham LOWESTOFT enters causing all the DOCTORS to shout out surprise coming out of THEIR HIDING places_

_Flynn stands up after them and just silently smiles while everyone else goes into party mode._

**noble:**

Graham!

**graham:**

Aw you shouldn't have!

**noble:**

Yes we should! Come on! Come on! Did you bring the bubbly Lindsey?

**lindsey: **

(presenting a bottle of champagne) Cause I did!

**noble:**

Let's get it open then!

_the champagne is corked and lindsey pours everyone a glass_

**noble (CONT'D):**

Now a toast! Emily?

**emily:**

(RAISING her glass) To a wonderful colleague who always brought comedy to our lives well except for Dr Flynn

_everyone looks at flynn with an evil smile_

**Betsy:**

Yes but that's a different type of comedy

_flynn rolls his eyes_

**laurence:**

(QUIETLY to noble) Noble! They're bullying me!

**noble:**

Flynn! They're laughing _with _you!

**flynn:**

Ugh! (another eye roll) (terrified) oh god!

**fantasy SEQUENCE INT. mess - DAY:**

flynn is up on the pole again with the doctors laughing at him whilst throwing their SPONGES

**laurence:**

(trying DESPERATELY to smile) Yes keep going. It's funny isn't it. I'm such a comedian. (STARTS CRYING)

_end fantasy SEQUENCE_

_laurence closes his eyes in his sadness_

**emily:**

Anyway your sense of humour always lightens up our days Graham and we salute you for it!

**graham:**

Oh well thank you it's always great to work with such wonderful people!

**richard:**

We wish you the very best with your new lady friend.

**adam: **

And we'll all be at the wedding so she better be hot!

**graham:**

Oh she is mate!

**noble:**

(raising his glass) To Graham. A man who we can laugh at and not get shouted at for it!

**graham: **

(laughs) Hey if it gets me money, I'm up for it!

_the doctors laugh at graham's gag_

**emily:**

To Graham!

**all:**

(RISING glasses) to Graham!

**noble: **

Now! Onto the good stuff!

**graham:**

Ah yeah what's that then Stephen?

**noble: **

You know! When's the stag party!

_all the male doctors get EXCITED_

**graham: **

Ah now I'm afraid they're wont be one!

_All the men suddenly become DISAPPOINTED_

**noble: **

What! That's absurd!

**graham:**

Yeah I know but unfortunately we've asked everywhere and we can't find a suitable hosting venue. Nothing is available!

_more DISAPPOINTMENT from the doctors -_

**richard: **

Mate you've gotta have a stag party!

**graham:**

Yeah well Sarah really wants a big wedding so she doesn't want me to spend a lot of money on it so…

**noble:**

Ah that sucks! I mean I'd host it mate but you know my wife has issues about bring loads of men into the house and what have you

**graham:**

Ah well It don't matter. I mean _this_ is good and I've got women in this party so I get to get flirty _and _hang out with my mates.

_all the girl doctors laugh with graham and get flirty with him for a joke_

**noble:**

Well it's not over yet. If you'd like to follow all of us to the registrars common room, (RAISING eyebrow) there's a little present waiting for you!

_all the doctors clap and cheer in agreement_

**graham:**

Oh brilliant. You are all great mates!

_all the doctors including graham begin exiting leaving only noble and flynn in the room_

**noble:**

(calling to graham) I'll join you later just gonna have a word with (INDICATING FLYNN) this little fella

_all the doctors exit and noble switches his attention to flynn_

**noble (CONT'D): **

See. This isn't so bad!

**laurence:**

I haven't talked to anyone yet

**noble:**

Well you should! They'd love to hear from you

**laurence:**

(laugh) I don't think so!

**noble: **

Look who do you think hates you by the way

**laurence:**

Everyone?

**noble:**

Who in particular?

**laurence: **

Mr Ron?

**noble:**

Oh he hates everyone. He hates me and I'm the best doctor in hospital

**LAURENCE:**

How can you be sure of that

**noble:**

Cause I'm the only one from Cambridge!

_laurence GIGGLES_

**laurence:**

Erm

**noble:**

Who else?

**laurence:**

All those doctors? You? Judy?

**noble:**

Oh. Judy. She's a tough cookie isn't she

_laurence NODS sadly_

**noble (CONT'D):**

Look these people don't _hate _you. They just find you funny!

**laurence:**

Yeah in a bad way!

**noble:**

Ah what's a bad way in comedy! All you've gotta do is laugh at yourself and you'll fit in

**laurence:**

(dissatisfied) ok

**noble:**

As for Judy.

**flynn:**

Oh no no no! I'm not taking love advice from you again Noble!

**noble:**

And why might _that _be. You're forgetting _I_ am South Middlesex's king of sex!

**flynn:**

Your wife must be very proud! Remember the last time I took women impressing advice from you?

**(FLASHBACk) INT. mess - DAY **

flynn walks in with a young nun (mid TWENTIES) (sister claire)

**sister claire:**

It's very kind of you to show me around the hospital Dr Flynn.

**flynn:**

Oh no no problem.

**SISTER CLAIRE:**

So what's this wonderful thing you wanted to show me?

**flynn:**

Oh it's just here (indicates sofa) her make your self comfortable

**sister claire:**

Ok

_sister claire sits down on the sofa_

**flynn (CONT'D): **

Ok

_Mousse T's "Horny" starts playing as flynn begins to start stripping_

_sister claire becomes more and more TERRIFIED until she finally stops him and the music_

**sister claire:**

Er maybe I caught you at a bad time. I'm really sorry I think I ought to get back to the convent.

**flynn: **

(innocent) oh why?

**sister claire: **

I just don't think my presence is appropriate I must go. Nice to have met you

_sister claire runs off screaming_

**end flashback**

**flynn:**

I got banned from church

**noble:**

Come on she must have found it a bit funny

_flynn gives noble the evils_

**noble (CONT'D):**

It seems to me that all your problems lie from the fact that you're just not mixing enough. Why don't make some new friends.

**flynn:**

Well we'd all like to make new friends Noble but… what are the odds of that happening

**noble:**

Making friends is easy

**flynn:**

Yeah for _you_. Come on Noble do you honestly see _me _making any new friends?

**noble:**

Why don't _you_ have a party? (stands up) in fact! Why don't _you _host graham's stag night!

**flynn:**

(stands) That's a GREAT idea! (SITS DOWN) if I had a place to host it

**noble:**

(sits down with flynn) come on Flynn there must be_ somewhere_ you can live.

**flynn: **

No believe me I've looked every where. All the flats available are either too expensive, in another country or about to fall down. (beat) face it Noble I wasn't made to make any friends in my life nor to have the perfect home to do it in. (beat) Unless my auntie Emma owns the Nightingale Place building not far from here and one of her tenants has just left.

**noble: **

That's perfect! Why didn't you think of that before?

**flynn:**

I don't know! (PICKING up the phone in the mess) I'll give my sister a ring now.

**Noble:**

Great! This'll be the perfect learning curve for you Flynn! Say don't you have the afternoon off?

**flynn:**

Yes I do! I can move in today and have the stag night tomorrow! I'm sure my sister wont mind

**noble:**

Excellent! Graham will be so thrilled! You'll be the most popular doc in no time!

**flynn:**

Well I don't know about _that_

**noble: **

No need to be nervous Flynn! Just think. What could possibly go wrong? Remember that phrase and you'll feel so much better. See you later

_noble exits_

**flynn:**

Bye. (beat) (to himself) yeah what could possibly go wrong?

flynn smiles and begins to dial ziggy on the phone

_end of act one_

**SCENE 10 INT. Nightingale place - millock HOUSEHOLD - DAY**

_ziggy flynn is on the phone to Laurence while emma millock is STITCHING up a bridal dress whilst smoking and drinking_

**ziggy:**

(putting the phone down) Did you know who that was?

**emma:**

Who darling? Your mother?

**ZIGGY:**

No that was Laurence!

**emma:**

Is he a friend of yours darling?

**Ziggy:**

No he's my brother! (beat) Your nephew! Don't you remember? And he's coming to stay with us

_emma becomes worried_

**emma:**

What!

**ziggy:**

He's looking for a flat at the moment so I said he could have 56. It's been vacant for months and we never use it!

**Emma:**

(pause) Your brother?

**ziggy:**

Yes

**emma:**

(Pause) my nephew?

**ziggy:**

Yes

**emma:**

A man!

**ziggy:**

(pause) yes. Nephews are usually men!

_emma starts to fake a huge rowing laugh to cover up her huge rage of anger and fear_

**emma:**

If you want a man in the house darling we can get a dog

**Ziggy:**

I'm sorry? Come on it'll be fun! Nice to have a man around the house for a change

**emma:**

Why?

**ziggy:**

Well… Why not?

**Emma:**

Well wouldn't it be difficult for us darling?

**ziggy:**

I don't think so. You've met him before. He's really lovely.

**emma:**

That's not what I'm talking about darling

**ziggy:**

Oh well… what are you talking about?

**emma:**

I'm talking how difficult it would be for us darling. When I rent out my flats and spend ages and ages preparing them before hand. I design them for us ladies as this a women's house. If a man where to step foot in these flats he would not know his way around.

**ziggy:**

I'm sure he would. He's a very cleaver man.

**emma:**

Not if we made it hard for him.

**ziggy:**

Look auntie Emma he really needs a place to stay and flat 56 has been vacant for ages it's time we used it! Come on! Please!

**emma: **

Oh alright have him over.

**ziggy:**

Oh brilliant! Thank you! We haven't seen each other for such a long time and we've been in the same town for long its crazy. He's been so busy with work

**emma:**

Yes whatever darling. However before he comes you must show him the ropes. We can't have a man getting lost in his own home can we?

**ziggy:**

Of course not.

**emma:**

Even if we set some traps for him

**ziggy:**

Sorry?

**emma:**

Nothing dear. Come along

**SCENE 11 INT. Nightingale place - flat 56 - DAY**

_Auntie emma enters followed by ziggy who tries to follow her every word._

**emma:**

Flat 56 I call the game room. Because it has so many tricky features that it's easy to confuse the two.

**ziggy:**

I see

**emma:**

First the cooker now I don't care for gas darling. The smell distracts me from my perfume.

**ziggy:**

Well that's good because Laurence doesn't like gas either.

**emma:**

Why? Does _he _wear perfume?

**ziggy:**

Well erm… sometimes

**emma:**

(pause) right? Anyway the cooker is very straightforward. A monkey could operate it really. And I keep the cutlery, crockery and cookware in (INDICATES) these cupboards

**ziggy: **

Brilliant

**emma: **

Now the bathroom

_ziggy and EMMA progress into the bathroom_.

**emma (CONT'D):**

Now everything should be to his satisfaction. If he doesn't care for scented bath oils or soap he can by his own or replace them with aftershave or whatever equivalent he had for pleasure.

**ziggy: **

I'm sure it'll be fine

**emma:**

Now what else can I show you… The balcony.

**ziggy:**

Oh now I really don't think….

_they walk to the balcony area_

**emma:**

Now Ziggy I really do try to keep a good reputation here in London as there's much competition about for tenants so in order to so I don't appreciate revolting behaviour in my house. If your brother no matter how drunk he may be would care to engage in activates such as spitting, throwing food or urinating over my precious balcony tell him there a better places to do such things. Toilets, litter bins and underground tube stations. I will not have innocent people coming to my flat block complaining that they have been spat on by the force of nature. (beat) Nor will I appreciate idiots walking by my building early in the morning chanting to themselves "Good god. It does rain here!"

**Ziggy:**

I'm sure Laurence has the decency not to do that

**Emma:**

Well good. Now I best get back to the shop. You'll need to show him the guest room

**ziggy:**

yes

**emma:**

The cupboard where I keep all the lady china

**ziggy:**

I don't think he'll use those

**emma:**

The plants, The dining area, the living area.

**ziggy:**

Really I don't think….

**emma:**

The chairs, the tables, my office

**ziggy:**

Auntie Emma I don't think all this is necessary!

**emma:**

(pause) What?

**ziggy:**

I don't think all this is necessary!

**emma:**

Are you saying what I'm doing is pointless?

**ziggy:**

Not all of it

**emma:**

Darling without this touring. How is he supposed to get around the house. Hmm? Shall we give him a map? Hm? Shall we let him explore for himself like a caveman?

**ziggy:**

I just don't think he'll use any of it that's all.

**emma:**

Oh really. What will he being doing then? Laying on the sofa watching sport as if there is nothing else to do in the house?

**ziggy:**

He'll hardy be in at all! And when he is he wont be using any of this.

**emma:**

Why darling?

**ziggy:**

Well he's a doctor. If you want my honest opinion I imagine half the time he'll be in the bedroom.

_emma becomes OVERRULED with horror_

_ziggy realises the mistake she has made and TRIES DESPERATELY to cover it up_

**ziggy (CONT'D):**

No! No! No! I didn't mean it like that…

_emma beigns to storm into the kitchen area with ziggy following her trying to rephrase her previous statement._

**ziggy (CONT'D): **

I meant sleeping

**emma:**

With who!

**Ziggy:**

With himself.

_emma becomes more shocked_

**ziggy (CONT'D):**

No please!

_emma SEARCHES in the CUPBOARD under the sink_

**ziggy (CONT'D): **

What are you doing?

_emma emerges from the CUPBOARD with a whole box of cleaning products. she is extremely angry_

**emma:**

IF HE WANTS TO MAKE A MESS, HE CAN CLEAN IT UP!

_EMMA TRIES TO STORM INTO THE BEDROOM BUT IS STOPPED BY ZIGGY'S CONSTANT DESPERATION FOR HER ATTENTION._

**ziggy:**

NO PLEASE I DIDN'T MEAN IT! LET HIM STAY.

**EMMA: **

WHY DARLING? ARE YOU INVOLVED AS WELL?

**ZIGGY:**

(DISGUSTED) NO! JUST… for me…. let him live here. I'm begging you

(pause)

**emma:**

Why should I

**ziggy:**

(very nervous) Because I love you! (pause) And I know deep down inside you love me too

**emma:**

Oh alright! I'll give him a week. But ANY nuisance and I will deal with him myself.

**ziggy: **

Oh thank you. He wont be any trouble. I'll make sure it

**emma:**

good

_there is the sound of a doorbell from the main building_

**ziggy:**

Oh that's him. I'll go…

**emma:**

(stopping ziggy leaving) Wait darling! One more thing

**ziggy:**

Yes?

**emma:**

Just in case he feel the needs to do such… activity in my house. (HANDS ZIGGY A CLEANING VANISH STICK) Teach him how to use this.

**ziggy: **

What is it?

**emma:**

It's cleaning fluid. It's very good at getting read of accidents. If he calls them accidents.

**zIGGY:**

I will.

_the doorbell rings again_

**ziggy (CONT'D):**

I better go let him in.

**emma:**

Yes yes alright

**ziggy:**

You will be nice wont you auntie Emma?

**emma:**

Yes yes whatever darling

**ziggy:**

ok

_ziggy exits_

**emma:**

(sniffing the cleaning stick) Ugh! Still stinks from the last time I had to use it.

**SCENE 12 INT. Nightingale place - hall/ millock household- DAY**

_ziggy runs down the hall to answer the doorbell which is ringing CONTINUOUSLY_

_she answers it to find LAURENCE at the door carrying suitcases in the rain_

**ziggy: **

(relived to see laurence) hi! (TAKING LAURENCE'S SUITCASES OFF HIM) Here let me take those

**laurence: **

Oh thanks! Sorry I didn't know where to park my car!

**ziggy:**

(look at the space laurence has parked in) oh no that's fine! Everyone parks there. Come in!

_laurence and ziggy enter the building and head for emma's flat where ziggy places the suitcases on the floor and LAURENCE hangs his coat up and shakes HIMSELF dry from the rain_

**laurence:**

God it's tipping it down out there!

**ziggy:**

Yeah I'm sorry it's forecast to be like that all week! It's awful! Anyway why don't you get sat down and I'll make you a cup of coffee

**laurence:**

(sitting down on the sofa) oh can you make it tea? I'm trying to give up the coffee addiction while I'm not at work!

**ziggy: **

Ok! Tea for both of us then

_ziggy starts making tea_

**LAURENCE:**

So.. (looks around at the flynn) this place is wonderful

**ziggy: **

Yes it is.

**laurence:**

Aunty Emma must be pretty well off to afford to set up flat's like this!

**ziggy:**

Yeah well she is. She's got bridal shops being set up all over the world now!

**laurence: **

Wow impressive!

**ziggy:**

Yes.

_ziggy brings the tea over and sits down on a nearby armchair with a cup_

**ziggy (CONT'D):**

And I suppose she rents her rooms out for quite a lot of money so she's gets a lot from that. (sips tea) She's had this estate ten years would you believe it!

**laurence:**

So how is she then?

**ziggy:**

Who?

**laurence:**

Auntie Emma?

**ziggy:**

Oh yeah. She's (UNCONVINCING) fine. (beat) Laurence? Can I ask you question

**laurence:**

Of course

**ziggy:**

Where did you park your car again?

**emma:**

(O.O.V) AHHHHHH! WHY THE HELL IS THERE A CAR PARKED IN MY FLOWER BED! IT TOOK ME AGES TO PLANT ALL OF THOSE!

**ziggy: **

Oh god

_auntie emma runs in with the look of anger on her face_

**ziggy (CONT'D):**

Aunty Emma look who's here!

**emma:**

(trying to be polite UNCONVINCINGLY) Ah! Laurence! (SHAKES HANDS WITH LAURENCE) Nice to see you again!

_aunty emma does a small fake laugh and then loses her INTEREST in laurence all together by turning her back on him completely_

**laurence: **

How's my favourite auntie?

**emma:**

(cutting laurence off) I'm fine thank you Laurence!

**laurence:**

Well good! (pause) Erm… that was me who parked my car in your flower bed. (beat) I'm very sorry!

**emma:**

Oh really.

**ziggy:**

(trying to change the subject) Erm Auntie Emma don't you have to get back to the shop?

**emma: **

Yes darling. But I have a very important client meeting me today and she's very specific about which ribbons she would like for her dress.

_emma opens a nearby CUPBOARD and takes out a group of white and pink ribbons, closing the CUPBOARD behind her and showing the ribbons to laurence and ziggy_

**emma (CONT'D): **

And now I have them, I shall see you later!

_emma exits leaving an erie atmosphere around the flat_

_it is broken by laurence and ziggy ENGAGING in a big hug_

**ziggy:**

Oh I'm so glad to see you again!

**laurence:**

You too. I miss you at work

**ziggy:**

Aww! Well you should write more!

**laurence:**

I would but I don't have time. Still I suppose I wont need to now!

**ziggy:**

Come on sit down

_they sit down on the sofa_

**ziggy (CONT'D):**

And tell me about it!

**laurence:**

About what?

**ziggy:**

Medicine! Come I watch Casualty! When it's not too violent! Tell me all about it!

**Laurence:**

It's nothing like Casualty Ziggy!

**ziggy:**

Well what _is _it like. Come on you can't expect me to work everything out from your letters!

**laurence: **

Well its…

**ziggy:**

Saved any lives? Do any complicated operations? Do any of that (mimes cpr) di-fib stuff!

**laurence:**

Well…

**ziggy:**

Slept with any nurses?

**laurence:**

Ziggy!

**ziggy:**

(PANIC) oh no! That was inappropriate wasn't it! (MIMING THE HOLY CROSS) I'm sorry oh great lord! Very sorry!

_ziggy, in he DESPERATE attempt to please god, she recites the lord's prayer fast whilst in a strong praying position until she is stopped by laurence_

**laurence:**

Ziggy! Ziggy! Relax

**ziggy:**

You made any new friends? Come on tell me!

**laurence:**

(beat) well there's err… doctor Noble who I always talk about. He's the surgical registrar and my sort of mentor. We do a lot of operations together which are mostly like vein repair and such. And then there's Erm….

_laurence tries to think of any more friends he has but when he fails he changes the subject_

**LAURENCE (CONT'D): **

How's life at the convent?

**ziggy:**

Oh it's great! They've just finished work on the new garden that links the main building to the church. It's beautiful, we're probably gonna start giving masses out there. And what's even better is that sister Margaret says that in a few months, I'll be able to give my own masses

**flynn: **

Oh that's great!

**ziggy:**

I know! But I'll never compete with Father Kerrigan. He gives the most beautiful masses you'll ever hear!

**flynn:**

(getting board) Really

**ziggy: **

(little swoon) Especially when he sings them!

**flynn:**

(pause) (trying to shake a bad image out of his head) really! (CHANGING SUBJECT) Erm… Why don't you show me the flat?

**ziggy:**

Sure! Come on!

_laurence follows ziggy out of the room_

**SCENE 13 INT. flat 56 - main area/bedroom - DAY**

_ziggy enters followed by laurence who amazes himself by looking around the room at large flat around him_

**ziggy:**

Here it is

**laurence:**

Wow it's huge!

_Laurence looks around the room at the various FURNITURE and set pieces and becomes more and more FLATTERED_

**laurence (CONT'D):**

It's beautiful. It's more than I asked for. I can't live here!

**ziggy: **

(trying to hide her fear under a fake smile) Yes you can! You can't leave me on my own with her!

**laurence: **

Hmm?

**ziggy:**

Nothing. Well you've not seen the best part yet. I'm sure you'll be relived to see this again.

_laurence follows ziggy into the bedroom REVEALING a huge modern-looking double bed_

**ziggy (CONT'D):**

The bedroom

_laurence COLLAPSES on the bed with a huge sigh of relief_

**flynn:**

Oh brilliant! (TO THE BED) I thought you'd left my life completely!

**ziggy: **

I'm glad you like it

**flynn:**

Oh yes!

**ziggy:**

Why don't I leave you to have a nice nap

_ziggy begins to leave the room as laurence falls ASLEEP_

_as ziggy leaves into the main area she can hear laurence talking in his sleep about seducing judy_

_she gains a rather concerned look on her face and exits_

_laurence CONTINUES with his lovely dream until he wakes up to find emma standing next to his bed staring at him with a SARCASTIC look_

**laurence:**

(surprised) Hello Auntie Emma!

**emma:**

(beat) Hello Laurence

**laurence:**

I thought you we're going back to the shop

**emma:**

I was Laurence but I forgot my purse! (shows purse to laurence) You know it's funny, when don't have a tenant for so long, you tend to use the space for your _own_ purpose. And with that you tend to leave things lying around.

**laurence:**

Right! Listen Auntie Emma I'm really sorry about your flower bed!

**emma:**

(strong SARCASM) It's ok. I can just do it again can't I! Sorry to disturb you.

_emma begins to leave but then starts SEARCHING all around the room, including under laurence's duvet, for a women he's supposedly sleeping with_

_when she finds nothing, she gives up_

**emma (CONT'D): **

Carry on!

_emma exits and laurence is left with a very ANXIOUS look on his face_

**SCENE 14 INT. a ward - DAY**

_laurence enters dancing with delight whilst trying to improvise a tune with the words "i'M gonna be POPULAR" OBVIOUSLY come out with an unmusical result_

**flynn:**

Hi Noble!

**noble:**

Flynn! My young apprentice! How be you?

**flynn:**

Brilliant! The Flat is perfect! It's huge!

**noble:**

That's brilliant my good student! See Flynn! Life does work out if you live it my way!

**flynn: **

It's a beautiful area and the rent is hardly anything! I don't know why I didn't think of it before!

**Noble:**

Perhaps your mind was so still in it's bleak sadness that it wouldn't dare move into the light of inspiration!

**flynn:**

(TRYING TO UNDERSTAND NOBLE'S SUDDEN DEPTH ON EVERYTHING) Hmm. Never thought of it like it like that! Perhaps your right! (beat) I really excited about this party now!

**noble:**

(cutting flynn off) You should be! Parties are amazing things aren't they. They're like positive incubators where men and women can feel free to release wonderful pitch sounds they have on their tongues!

**flynn:**

(confused) Yeah I suppose they are.

**noble:**

And also they're like pools of uplifting liquid where people can purify away the fatigue of a long day's work by engaging in conversation, entertainment and sex.

**flynn: **

Noble

**noble:**

And of course sex is amazing in itself. You could say it's similar to a party only the tongues do not realise pitch sounds but more a strong lightly viscous liquid that can display a strong message by moving quickly from the tongue onto a man's receiver.

**flynn: **

(slightly disgusted) Noble

**noble:**

And of course this receiver is amazing in itself

**flynn:**

(cutting noble off) Your stoned aren't you Noble!

**noble: **

(rubbing it in flynn's face) Yes but what are you going to do about it!

**flynn:**

(getting out a notepad and pen) look I need to make a list I need. Could you help me?

**noble: **

I will as I long to show you my young apprentice that there is life has so much to offer you when you witness it through a party.

**flynn:**

Ill take that as a yes. (starts writing on the pad) So what do I need?

**noble:**

Ok you need booze (beat) booze

**flynn: **

Noble

**noble:**

Booze

**flynn:**

Noble don't be silly

**noble:**

That's all you need Flynn believe me

**flynn:**

There's more to life than alcohol Noble

**noble: **

Yes Flynn. More to life but nothing more to a stag party

**flynn:**

Isn't that a bit effortless though I mean doesn't graham wanna stripper or something?

**noble:**

Don't waste your money on that. Just get Dave to do it!

**flynn:**

Dave? As in Dr David Whitebridge?

**noble:**

Yeah. He's a wild little scamp you should see him in action!

**flynn:**

Isn't he beside the point?

**noble:**

Why? He stripped at _my_ stag night?

**flynn:**

What?

**noble:**

He stripped on my night. You should have seen it! it was great!

_flynn becomes slightly CONCERNED_

**flynn: **

(pause) Your telling me that for your stag party Dr David Whitebridge stripped naked for own amusement?

**noble:**

Oh yeah

**flynn:**

Did it (tries to find the right word) satisfy you?

**noble: **

It was amazing! I had the time of my life!

_flynn becomes even more concerned_

**flynn:**

(pause) right. So your saying that you hired a male stripper for your stag party and you had the time of your life. Noble you can't give me that account and not expect me to get suspicious!

**noble:**

Flynn the point is everyone's gonna be to drunk to care anyway. Just get them the beer that's all us men want!

**flynn:**

Ok (beat) sounds a bit stereotypical…

**noble: **

(cutting flynn off) Oh you and your stereotypes! You better have fun too Flynn! Remember this party is as important for you as it is for Graham. This is your big night. Your big impression

**flynn: **

Do I have to get drunk to do that?

**noble:**

I would advise it if you want to fit in. (beat) Unless _you _want to strip now that would be funny!

**flynn:**

(beat) would I satisfy you?

**noble:**

(pause) no Flynn

**flynn:**

Oh

_sister hope and judy enter from the side rooms carrying notes and take their places on the ward desk_

**judy:**

What's going on?

**noble:**

Flynn's having a party

**judy:**

Oh really doctor Flynn?

**noble:**

He's invited 20 doctors to his brand new flat.

**flynn:**

(attempting to impress judy) Which might I add is huge and has a lovely double bed!

**hope:**

Oh! Perfect for your visitors to have private time eh doctor Flynn?

**flynn:**

(EMBARRASSED) (REALISING HIS FAILURE TO IMPRESS JUDY) Yes… sister

**NOBLE:**

He's out to make a new spark sister. (Puts his hand on flynn's shoulder) This boy may be new but he's certainly making an effort.

**hope: **

Well I have no doubt that'll happen. I think all of us can a agree that your "one of a kind" Flynn.

**flynn:**

(feeling sisters SARCASM) Thank you sister

**judy: **

Can I come?

**Noble:**

No you can't come Judy. It's a _guy's_ party!

**flynn:**

I'm hosting Graham's stag night!

_judy and hope burst out laughing_

**judy: **

Good luck!

**hope:**

Oh my my Doctor Lowestoft!

_flynn becomes very worried_

**noble:**

Now now girls he's up for a challenge!

**hope:**

He better be. You should see that man drunk!

**Judy:**

It must have been only a year ago now

**hope:**

Oh don't remind me!

**flynn:**

What was this?

**hope:**

A year ago we were on night shift and there was some kind of registrars booze up or something in the pub opposite. We went out on our usual rounds to casualty only to find him drunk out of his behind charming up our patients. (beat) and when we recite the word "Charming" we refer to him collecting phone numbers, endless chat up and the pulling of innocent people out of wheelchairs in attempt to dance with them. Not only was it rude but just plain dense.

**judy:**

The best part is when he thought you were a bar maid! All that money he kept shoving down your cleavage!

**hope:**

Yes it was bad taste but I did (giving her breasts a pat) make a good £100!

**noble: **

Yes well Graham is famous for being a hell raiser but that's why we all love him!

**hope: **

And I only suppose your going to make it worse by getting him wasted Dr Noble?

**noble:**

Oh yes. I'm fascinated to see how low he can go. For all I know we might see him burn down a house!

**judy:**

Oh no he's done that!

**noble:**

Even better! That's even more exciting! Well I'm yet to discover what this bloke can do but we can look forward to it when I see what he does when fill his head with muck! Isn't that right Flynn?

_laurence stands still with the complete look of terror on his face_

**noble (CONT'D): **

(trying to get LAURENCE'S attention) Flynn? (CLICKS FINGERS) Flynn?

**flynn: **

(coming back to earth) What? Oh. (COMPLETE CHANGING HIS TONE TO CONFIDENT IN AN ATTEMPT TO IMPRESS JUDY) well yes of course! I mean if a guy's gonna be dangerous, it's gonna be at his stag night! Cause that's what there for you know. Getting drunk and having a good time (LESS CONFIDENT) and breaking things

**hope: **

If you want my honesty Graham Lowestoft is the human equivalent of a pig on drugs.

**noble:**

And what does that mean?

**judy:**

It means that when he's off his top, he's messy, loud and couldn't care less about it. (beat) A lot like _you_ doctor noble!

**noble:**

Ah Conway! Watch your mouth!

**hope:**

She has got a point Stephen! You and Graham do make an "adorable pair".

**judy:**

Yeah in a Mayal and Edmondson type way

**flynn: **

(worried) What was this?

**judy: **

Why don't you tell doctor Flynn about the time you flooded the whole doctor's flats with shaving foam.

**noble:**

I don't think he wants to know about that!

**judy:**

Oh I'm sure he does considering it wasn't even _our _hospital!

**noble:**

Hey it was for a good cause!

**judy:**

Yes to let all your drunken emotion out before you did anything else I suppose?

**noble:**

Precisely! If it wont go in it must come out, that's my philosophy.

**Flynn: **

(under his breath) yeah that's why women have lost respect for you.

**noble: **

Flynn?

**laurence:**

Noble can I talk to you for a moment?

**judy:**

Ohh someone's not impressed with you Dr Noble!

**noble:**

Judy this is man stuff. Please excuse us!

**hope:**

We'll leave you to it.

**judy:**

You can tell him all about it

**noble:**

Yes I will Judy

_the two nurses exit_

**noble (CONT'D):**

God they never know when to stop watching over you do they!

**flynn:**

Noble I'm scared

**noble:**

What? Oh Flynn come on what are you scared of?

**flynn:**

Well…

**noble:**

Oh Flynn you idiot! Don't listen to them they're just winding you up! Graham's fine! He knows how to control himself!

**flynn:**

Do _you_ know how to control yourself?

**noble:**

Yes! And you've having this party weather you like or not.

**Flynn:**

And what if I don't?

**noble:**

I'll tell the whole hospital that you fancy the pants off me!

**flynn:**

(beat) well I already get that but it's one less thing to worry about.

**noble:**

Now we have work to do.

_noble's bleeper goes off_

**noble (CONT'D):**

And there's the proof! (looks at his bleeper) Ah! A vasectomy! We can take away someone's man hood while you gain some! Now come! To the operating theatre!

_noble does an EXAGGERATED march out of the room exiting leaving laurence a bit confused about what to do while judy and sister hope stare at him with a raised eyebrow_

**laurence:**

(with an innocent laugh) I just play along!

_laurence does a more nervous version of noble's march which turns into a run out of the ward exiting_

**SCENE 15 INT. Nightingale place - flynn household - main LIVING area - DAY**

_laurence is checking everything is in order for his guests_

**flynn:**

Ok room is… (looks around room) tidy. Booze is… (Gets a beer out of the cooler and tastes it) fresh. I am (sniffs armpits) decent. Great I think that's everything.

_the doorbell rings_

**flynn (CONT'D):**

Come in

_ziggy flynn enters_

**ziggy:**

Hi

**flynn:**

Hey.

**ziggy:**

(looks around room) what's all this?

**flynn:**

Oh didn't I tell you. I'm having a party.

**ziggy:**

Party?

**flynn:**

Yeah I'm hosting graham's stag night

_ziggy becomes TERRIFIED and slams the door behind her standing IN FRONT of it for extra SECURITy_

**ziggy:**

What!

**flynn:**

Are you ok?

**ziggy:**

What did you just say?

**flynn:**

I'm hosting Graham's stag night tonight.

**ziggy:**

Why?

**flynn:**

Well why not. Noble suggested it. Have some friends over that's how people socialise these day's apparently

**ziggy:**

You can't socialise. You're a Flynn.

**flynn:**

What?

**ziggy:**

Laurence. (pause) why don't we sit down for a minute?

_laurence and ziggy sit down on the sofa_

**flynn:**

Are you having a rough day Ziggy?

**ziggy:**

Laurence. (beat) Things have changed since you last lived with us. Because we don't see much of each other we've all gone in (TRIES to find right words) different directions. And because of that we've had to have restrictions on what we do based on those (pause) different directions

**flynn:**

Surely one little party won't make a difference.

**ziggy:**

Please Laurence don't do it! for your own safety!

**flynn: **

I'm sorry? Look Ziggy if you've got a problem with all this just tell me.

**ziggy:**

It's not me I'm talking about.

**flynn:**

Well what then?

_ziggy raises her eyebrows_

**flynn (CONT'D):**

Auntie Emma?

_ziggy NODS her head fast in fear_

_laurence gets up and begins to make himself a cup of coffee_

**flynn (CONT'D):**

Look Ziggy. It's one silly bachelor party. It'll be over by tomorrow. If Auntie Emma has a problem with that she can take it out with me!

**ziggy: **

That's what I'm talking about. Laurence you don't know her as well me. You don't know what she's like

**flynn:**

Well I can find out in a mature and adult fashion

**ziggy:**

Please Laurence. You don't know what she'll do to you. She might even…..

**flynn:**

What? Ziggy! what?

_ziggy tries to EXPLAIN but fails from her own EMBARRASSMENT_

**ziggy:**

I can't say it

**flynn:**

Tell me! Please!

**ziggy:**

Well you know how Uncle Jack's voice has got a bit higher lately.

**flynn:**

Yes

_ziggy raises her eyebrows_

_laurence is confused_

_ziggy NODS her HEAD_

_laurence shakes his head_

**ziggy:**

(whispering to laurence) You might wanna put your bible on it at night.

_laurence is HORRIFIED_

**laurence:**

Don't be silly she wouldn't do that

**ziggy:**

She would. She knows how to do it in the night so you can't feel anything

**laurence: **

Well I'm sorry but I refuse to believe that she would do such a thing

_ziggy begins to SEARCH for something_

**laurence (CONT'D):**

I don't know what she's been telling you but in my opinion it is wrong for her to fill you up with such vulgar ideas as…

_ziggy shows a jar that contains her uncle jack's penis in some water_

**laurence (CONT'D):**

HOLY MOTHER OF SHIT!

_LaURENCE FAINTS IN SHOCK_

_ZIGGY RUNS UP TO him calling his name trying to wake him again in a panic_

_end of act two_

**SCENE 16 INT. south middlesex hospital - a and e CUBICAL - DAY**

_flynn LIES in a bed UNCONSCIOUS_

_a worried ziggy sits beside him_

_he slowly wakes up with a groan_

**ziggy:**

Hey how you feeling?

**flynn:**

(groan with sigh) was that real?

**ziggy:**

Yes Laurence

**flynn:**

(sigh) I'm gonna be sick

**ziggy: **

Yes do before I do. (hand's laurence a bucket) I saw the whole thing

_laurence vomits into the bucket_

**laurence:**

Really

**ziggy (CONT'D):**

Yes it wasn't nice

**laurence:**

I can imagine

**ziggy:**

Well I didn't actually see it. I heard it from the upstairs flat. You could picture it from the sounds though.

**flynn:**

really

**ziggy:**

Oh yeah. The violent bashing on the table as he attempted to break free of the chains. The sloshing sounds of the cutting of the flesh, the huge scream he let out as his voice slid up two octaves! (pause)

_laurence vomits again_

**ziggy (CONT'D):**

It was quite spectacular! (beat) Followed by a loud squish on the floor as it flue across the room!

**flynn:**

Is their any other food you want me to dispose of while I am here.

_noble enters and ziggy blushes at the sight of him_

**noble:**

Ah! You're awake.

**flynn:**

yes

**ziggy:**

Hello

**noble:**

Why hello there sister. Are you and the rest of the choir of angels on the wards today

**ziggy: **

(wide eyed) oh no not today. Would you like us to be?

**flynn:**

Yeah yeah I'm in pain here.

**noble:**

How are you feeling?

**flynn:**

Terrible

**noble:**

How did this happen?

**ziggy:**

Oh we'd rather not talk about it. Let's just say he's seen enough

**flynn:**

(to noble) this is my sister Ziggy

**noble: **

Ah! Of course! (shakes hands with ziggy) Your brothers told me all about you!

**ziggy:**

Oh really?

**noble:**

Yes. (quietly to flynn) tell me is she the boring one or the psycho one?

**ziggy:**

What?

_laurence TRIES to fake a big INNOCENT laugh to cover up noble's words_

**flynn:**

(puts ARM AROUND ziggy) Noble. That's not very nice? (To Ziggy) Ignore him Ziggy he's always very mean to everyone (whisper) and I think he's on crack

**ziggy:**

(to noble) it's nice to meet you

**noble: **

You too

**ziggy:**

(to LAURENCE) Tell me Laurence. Is this the cynical smoky sadist in a white coat you've been telling me about?

_another fake laugh from flynn_

**flynn: **

Ziggy! You and your tasteless jokes. Have you had a hard day at the convent today Ziggy?

**ziggy:**

No I wasn't there today. Hence why I am here right now being it only 2 pm

**flynn:**

Well perhaps you should go back. You're getting a smutty again. Ignore her Nobes she's mad.

**Noble:**

Oh so she's the psycho one then

**flynn:**

(goes into PANIC mode) NO! (TRIES TO CALM DOWN WITH ANOTHER FAKE LAUGH) Noble we're you going to tell us something.

**noble:**

Oh yes. Well there doesn't seem to be much damage to your head but it does worry me that you've been unconscious for so many hours

**ziggy:**

It worries me too doctor

**flynn:**

Don't worry Noble. My head has built up a resistance to falls from all times I've banged into doors. See

_flynn whacks the back of his head only to faint AFTERWARDS_

**flynn (CONT'D):**

(rising up again) ah! See I'm back again.(feeling a sudden rush of pain to the head) Ow that really hurt!

**ziggy: **

Are you sure you've built up an immunity or is that you've lost so many brain cells your minds forgotten how to react to pain!

_sister hope enters_

**hope:**

Doctor noble can I have a word?

**noble:**

Yeah sure. (to flynn) please excuse me for minute

**hope: **

Sorry it's just about a patient

**noble:**

No that's fine

**hope:**

(to laurence) Oh another stairway slip Flynn?

**laurence: **

No I just had that's all thank you sister!

**hope:**

You do have quite a lot of them. Sometimes I feel we should put mats on all over the floors just for you!

**flynn:**

That wont be necessary

_noble and sister hope exit_

**ziggy:**

Laurence.(beat) Your not very popular here are you?

**flynn:**

(beat) no.

**ziggy:**

Are you still gonna have this party?

**flynn:**

Of course

**ziggy:**

What! Even after all this? Laurence it's not safe!

**Flynn: **

I know but everyone will hate me if I don't!

**ziggy:**

Doesn't everyone hate you already?

**flynn:**

That's not the point!

**ziggy:**

Well it's your manhood.

**flynn:**

Can I have some time to think?

**ziggy:**

I'll be right back

_ziggy exits_

**flynn:**

ARGH! This impossible. What is wrong with this stupid world! What am I gonna do. (beat) Ugh! (holding his head) Think Laurence! Think!

**silly flynn:**

Oh no! Look what you've done now? How you gonna get out of this one eh? Eh? Eh? What you gonna do next eh? Eh? Gonna bang into a door? Eh? Gonna inject someone's fake leg? Eh? Eh? DO SOMETHING FUNNY!

**Flynn:**

What _are _you on about?

**freaky flynn: **

Ignore him. He's feeling a bit corny today. Now mate you know you're making a big fuss for nothing.

**flynn:**

Really?

**freaky flynn:**

Yeah. If your auntie Emma's bothering you? Why don't you just kill her! Always works for me!

**girly flynn: **

Ignore him! He's just being silly!

**silly flynn:**

Oh no! _I'm_ the silly one. See watch

_silly flynn whacks himself with a frying pan_

**silly flynn: **

(freaky high pitched laugh) I'm so funny!

**lovey dovey flynn:**

Mate this whole thing is a waste of your time!

**flynn:**

Why?

**lovey dovey flynn:**

Cause really! Do you think that inviting a huge group of men to your flat is a good way to impress your Judy?

**flynn:**

Er…. Judy's not gonna be there

**lovey dovey flynn:**

Oh well it's not a good way to impress any other women you might like is it?

**flynn:**

No there's no women there.

**lovey dovey flynn:**

What?

**Flynn:**

It's a stag night. All male company

**lovey dovey flynn:**

Oh. (pause) Wanna go gay?

**flynn:**

What!

**lovey dovey flynn:**

Come on mate! Gimmie_ something_ to do I need some action here! I'm sorry mate but it's like trying to give life to a stone. Come on get in there! Please! My life's so boring _I'll_ turn into stone soon!

**sexy flynn:**

Ah stop whimpering! Your life isn't half as bad as mine! Believe me. There's less going on in my life than that of a plastic cup!

**flynn:**

Who are _you?_

**sexy flynn:**

I'm your sex life!

**girly flynn:**

Don't listen to _any _of them. They're all being very stupid.

**silly flynn:**

No no! I'm the silly one! See (whacks himself) See! (WHACKS HIMSELF AGAIN)

**sexy flynn:**

Why are you doing that?

**silly flynn:**

Well I have to keep myself occupied if _he's_ not gonna do anything don't I?

**girly flynn:**

Now come on we haven't even _got_ to me yet!

**silly flynn:**

Yeah well what would you know anyway!

**freaky flynn:**

Yeah! You're a woman!

**GIRLY FLYNN:**

I happen to know an awful lot thank you!

**freaky Flynn:**

Why! He's not a woman!

**girly flynn:**

He will be if he messes up this party! Now come on all you need to do is calm down for a minute.

**flynn:**

Oh?

**girly flynn:**

Yeah. Now let's look at this logically. Do you honestly think that inviting a whole load of drunken gentlemen to your home is a good way to make friends?

**flynn:**

Well. Why not?

**girly flynn:**

Well think of your reputation. Think of the women involved

**freaky flynn:**

Oh here she goes again! Bringing in her feminist views on everything.

**girly flynn: **

I'm just saying.

**sexy flynn:**

Your not that useful yourself mate. Always telling him to strange things. As if he's not weird enough already!

**flynn:**

Hey!

**Freaky flynn:**

You can talk! You just sit around doing nothing!

**sexy flynn:**

That's not my fault!

_the different variations of flynn start childishly arguing with each other until the real flynn FINALLY stops them_

**flynn:**

PLEASE! STOP IT! I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS!

(pause)

**FLYNN (CONT'D):**

LOOK YOUR NOT HELPING ME. SO IF YOUR GONNA BEHAVE LIKE BASTARDS THEN CAN YOU JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!

(pause)

**lovey dovey flynn:**

As you wish.

**silly flynn:**

We're only here to help!

**girly flynn:**

But it's ok if you don't need us. (beat) we'll just go. Come on everyone lets go to a strip club

**Freaky flynn:**

You're on your own now mate.

_the different VARIATIONS of flynn exit_

**flynn:**

(trying to stop them) Oh no! Please! ARGH! (Pause) (PUTS HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS) God I'm such a mess! (pause) No. Wait (beat) I can do this! (beat) who cares if my aunties a psycho. (beat) yeah! (beat) Gotta stop being afraid of everything. (beat) gotta be a man!

_ziggy enters again_

**ziggy:**

Everything ok?

**flynn: **

Yes thank you Ziggy!

**ziggy:**

So are you still gonna have this party?

**flynn:**

Yes I am!

**ziggy:**

(whimpering) You're a brave man Laurence!

**flynn:**

Yes I am. I'm having this stag night and it's gonna be the best bloody stag night any man's ever been too. Cause I'm a man!

**ziggy:**

Are you sure?

**flynn:**

Yes I am! And it'll fun! I will enjoy myself! Even if it means I will get completely pissed like Noble! And if Auntie Emma has a problem with that she can stick it up her arse because I don't care!

**ziggy: **

Well ok!

**flynn:**

Yes! (pause) Just as long as Auntie Emma is out of the house!

**ziggy:**

Aw Laurence!

**flynn:**

No come on Ziggy! You know you wanna!

**ziggy:**

No Laurence!

**flynn:**

Come on! Just take her to the virgina monologues she'll love that!

**ziggy: **

Laurence this has nothing to do with me!

**flynn:**

Come on Ziggy! Please this is my last chance to make friends. Please!

**ziggy:**

(beat) (rolling her eyes and sighing) What do I have to do?

**flynn: **

Just keep her out of the building for a while?

**ziggy:**

For how long?

**flynn:**

A month?

**ziggy:**

What do you suggest I do to keep her out of the house?

**flynn:**

Go see a play. I can get you member's discount at the National. Go see a Brecht play they last forever!

**ziggy:**

Laurence I am not gonna spend my evening which could be used to do some well planned praying in a hot, steep seated theatre with a women who gets so drunk she'd think the stewards where the actors.

**flynn:**

Perhaps they are. They're the ones charging the most money for the ice cream.

**ziggy:**

Hmm. (beat) Although having said that there are a few things in the west end I'd like to see. Joseph and the amazing dreamcoat

**flynn:**

Yes. Well there you go. A night out. (beat) Or you could just give her some LSD and she can watch it for half the price.

_Ziggy gives laurence the evils_

**flynn (CONT'D):**

Come on at least make an effort

**ziggy:**

Laurence. You know how I feel about the content of those plays.

**flynn:**

Exactly so you should be out there checking how bad they are. They've ruined TV but theatre is still yet to be murdered. Why don't you do the honours?

_ziggy gives laurence bigger evils_

**ziggy:**

Oh alright but you owe me! And I mean it!

_laurence becomes overwhelmed with joy and hugs ziggy's legs in the process_

**flynn:**

Oh thank you! Thank you so much!

**ziggy:**

It's god you should be thanking

**flynn:**

(puts hands in praying position) Thank you god! You love me after all! (to ziggy) What are you going to take her to see?

**ziggy: **

Jesus Christ superstar

**flynn:**

Again Ziggy. LSD is very cheap these days

**ziggy:**

I wont take her if you keep insulting me

**flynn:**

Fine! Fine! You see what you like. Be as sugar coated as you want.

**ziggy:**

Whatever.(beat) So how are you going to repay me?

_flynn brings ziggy closer to him_

**flynn:**

Would you like a picture of Dr Noble to hang up in your room in the convent?

_ziggy looks at laurence with concern_

**ziggy:**

Laurence to protect your decency from the Lord, I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that.

_noble enters and ziggy blushes_

**noble:**

Sorry I don't mean to interrupt but I do have other patients to see and I would really like to take a look at your brother's head

**ziggy:**

Yes that's fine. I'm very sorry. Laurence just needed to talk for a minute. I must get back anyway. I'll leave you to it. Have a nice stag night. (quietly to laurence) Your just spoiling me now.

_ziggy exits leaving noble confused and flynn looking smart with his eyebrows raised._

**SCENE 17 INT. NIGHTINGALE place - flynn household/ext.nightingale place - NIGHT **

_laurence returns to checking everything is in order for his guests._

**flynn:**

Ok room is… (looks around room) tidy. Booze is… (Gets a beer out of the cooler and tastes it) fresh. I am (sniffs armpits) basically decent. Great. Everything is as I left it. Good

_laurence begins to feel proud of himself until he sees the jar with his uncles penis in still placed on a table_

_he shuts his eyes tight in his disgust_

**flynn (CONT'D):**

Oh no.

_flynn still in his DISGUSTING trance attempts to carry the jar up to the bin where he DESPERATELY EMPTIES it and shoves the jar in the sink with a sigh of relief_

_he stands nervously before taking the penis of bin and rushing it to the bathroom with a cry of disgust_

_rushing into the BATHROOM he throws the penis into the toilet and flushes it with another sigh of relief._

_however looking in the toilet he finds that the penis is still floating about in the water_

_in his DESPERATION he tries flushing several times to get it to go down getting even more intense as he does so before FINALLY breaking down_

**flynn:**

WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME!

_Laurence lets out another cry and takes the penis out of the toilet._

_He rushes it into the balcony area and chucks it out into the open air_

_thinking he's FINALLY won he COLLAPSES on the sofa_

_the doorbell rings_

_laurence answers it to find a man with his uncles penis stuck to his shoulder look very angry_

**flynn (CONT'D):**

Oh… er

_the man INDICATES the penis on his shoulder by moving his head_

**flynn (CONT'D):**

How did you know it's from here?

_the man indicates a label stuck on the side of the penis which marks "property of emma millock"_

**flynn (CONT'D): **

Oh. I'm very sorry.

_the man exits tutting as he does so_

**flynn (CONT'D):**

(calling to the man) Just to let you know it's not mine!

_flynn is left with the dripping penis in his hand which cause to run around in a panic again_

_FINALLY he heads outside and shoves the penis in the main trash can and runs back into the flat as fast as he can_

_having FINALLY won he lets out a huge sigh of RELIEF whilst leaning on the counter_

_however he soon becomes OVERWROUGHT with disgust in the form of vomiting_

**flynn (CONT'D): **

(with mouthful) oh god

_flynn runs into the bathroom and vomits into the toilet for while_

_there is a knock AT THE FRONT DOOR_

**NOBLE:**

(O.O.V) Flynn?

**flynn:**

(CALLING TO NOBLE) Hang on. I'll be…

_flynn vomits some more_

_another knock_

**noble:**

(O.O.V) Flynn?

**lAURENCE:**

I'll be there in a minute!

_laurence stops and realises the muck on his hands_

**laurence (CONT'D): **

Oh god!

_laurence stressfully washes his hands in the basin before running into the main area to answer the door_

_another knock_

**LAURENCE (CONT'D):**

YEAH ALRIGHT!

_laurence opens the door to find noble standing with a case of beer._

**noble:**

hi

**laurence:**

(trying to hide his neurosis under a fake smile) hello!

_laurence, in his sense of horror, starts endlessly looking around at the corridor leaving noble very confused._

**noble:**

You alright?

**LAURENCE:**

Yeah fine. How be you?

**noble:**

(pause) your moving your head a lot!

**laurence:**

Er I'm not particularly fond at my ability to see at the moment!

**noble:**

(pause) ok.

_noble enters the flAT, LOOKS AROUND AND IS IMPRESSED._

**NOBLE (CONT'D):**

Wow it _is_ huge!

**flynn:**

I know would you believe it! (quietly to himself) it has a catch though!

**noble:**

What?

**flynn:**

Nothing. Have I got enough alcohol?

**noble: **

Don't worry about that! (gets out a full case of "fosters" beer) I bought a whole case of beer!

**flynn:**

Oh…. Can I ask why?

**noble:**

In case you bought the wrong type. (looks at flynn's booze) ah yeah! See! Graham hates XXXX.

**laurence: **

(pause) (rolls eyes) Noble you don't have to humiliate me again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again!

**noble:**

(cutting flynn off) Flynn! Relax! I'm here now.

**laurence:**

(sarcasm) That makes me feel a lot more relaxed! (rolls eyes)

**noble:**

Just enjoy the party!

**flynn:**

Ok well are you sure this going to work?

**noble:**

Yes. Now let yourself go! They'll be here in a minute.

_noble heads the bathroom_

**flynn:**

Where are you going?

**noble:**

To freshen up in your bathroom!

_noble exits_

**flynn:**

(calling to noble) don't touch my shaving foam!

_the doorbell rings_

**flynn (CONT'D):**

Ok (takes a deep breath) I can do this!

_flynn walks to answer the door to find Dr adam swain and Dr Richard hicks behind it_

_they both are sort of displeased to see laurence_

**richard: **

Er hi

**adam:**

(beat) is Graham here?

_noble enters again and goes all "laddy" when he sees the other two men_

**noble:**

YEAH!

**RICHARD AND ADAM:**

YEAH!

**richard:**

Alright Stephen!

**noble:**

Where's the victim then?

**adam:**

He'll be here in a minute. He's filling up on cheep booze from Tesco's!

**noble: **

Hey look. (shows adam and richard a porn video tape) Sexy woman!

**adam: **

Ah! man I haven't seen that since college!

_dr david WHITEBRIDGE enters with 5 other men_

**david:**

YEAH!

**NOBLE, ADAM AND RICHARD:**

YEAH!

**ADAM:**

Alright Dave!

**flynn:**

(to himself) is it me or does the word "Yeah" mean more than I think it does?

**noble:**

(to david) Hey did you get the crisps?

**david:**

(shows some large packets of crisps of DIFFERENT FLAVOURS) look at these.

**adam: **

(Taking David's "Nuts" magazine) hey gimmie that! (looks through mag) Ah yeah! Anderson! Anniston! Oh oh oh! Girls Aloud!

**all (EXCEPT flynn): **

AH YEAH!

**noble:**

This is gonna be good!

_dr chris davenport enters with 4 other men_

**chris:**

HEY!

**NOBLE, RICHARD AND DAVID:**

YEAH!

**richard:**

Come join the fun!

**flynn: **

(getting concerned about the amount of men in his flat) Noble?

**noble:**

Yes Flynn?

**flynn:**

How many people did you invite?

_gasman enters_

**gasman:**

Hello!

**NOBLE:**

GASMAN!

**Gasman:**

Everything well Dr Noble?

**noble:**

Oh yes my lord of the sleep smoke! How be you?

**gasman:**

Good thank you Dr Noble.

**NOBLE:**

Have you found your lucky pen yet?

**gasman:**

No I'm afraid not! But while I was under the floor I did get my legs stuck in some very thinly spaced pipes (SMILES PSYCHOTICALLY) which was just as pleasing!

**noble:**

(to anyone in the room) Hey where's Geoff?

**adam: **

He's downstairs urinating in the hall!

**flynn:**

What!

**noble:**

Oh really? (goes over to the staircase OUTSIDE the flat and calls down to geoff) OI MATE! COME DO THAT UP HERE!

**FLYNN:**

NOBLE!

**Noble:**

Relax Flynn!

_dr geoff kitchman enters whist doing up his flies causing all the doctors to laugh at him and call him "lightweight"_

**geoff: **

Yeah alright! Alright! Listen I've seen Graham he'll be here in 2 minutes so get ready!

**noble:**

We'll already for him!

_terry enters_

**terry:**

Hi everyone!

**noble:**

Terry! You made it!

**terry:**

Yes I know it's not a celebration of _my_ sexuality but a whole load of drunk men in one place! (beat) I'm up for it!

_geoff takes a peek around the door_

**geoff: **

Alright he's coming!

_all the men hide a for a moment_

_dr graham lowestoft enters_

**graham:**

(to himself) ok here's number 56

**all: **

(appearing from hiding places) YEAH!

**flynn:**

(to himself) is this going to go on all night?

**noble:**

How you doing mate?

**graham:**

Ah brilliant. You guys are great mates for doing this!

**david:**

Nah! Mate you know we weren't gonna let you get away with it! You can't get hitched without saying goodbye to ya freedom!

**chris:**

Plus we needed a place to drink!

_everyone (minus LAURENCE) does a load laddish laugh_

**richard:**

Come on then!

**chris:**

What?

**richard:**

Lets get this party STARTED!

_LOAD CHEER FROM EVERYONE WHO THEN GO TO SIT DOWN ON THE SOFA AND FLOORS NEARBY SMOKING CIGARETTES, CHATTING ETC_

**RICHARD (CONT'D):**

(TO FLYNN) OI YOU!

**FLYNN: **

What?

**richard:**

GET SOME BOOZE OVER HERE! WE'RE DYING!

**Flynn:**

ok

**RICHARD:**

AND PUT SOME TUNES ON! THIS PLACE IS DULL!

**NOBLE:**

(INSERTING THE PORNO VIDEO TAPE INTO LAURENCE'S PLAYER) Lets bring on the WOMEN!

**Flynn:**

(to himself with a slight eye roll) I don't think I'm gonna like this!

_laurence inserts a cd into his player resulting in the beastie boy's "intergalactic" to start playing loudly around the room._

**SCENE 18 INT. a west end theatre - NIGHT**

_its at the interval of "jesus christ superstar"._

_Emma is sitting in her chair looking board while ziggy DESPERATELY pretends she is ENJOYING herself_

**ziggy: **

Isn't this great!

_emma gives ziggy the evils_

_a passing steward enters_

**steward:**

(to emma) would you like ice cream madam?

**emma: **

(beat) well alright but I'm not paying you much. This is awful!

**ziggy:**

(innocent fake laugh) er Auntie Emma don't be rude! (TO HERSELF QUIETLY) Oh! He better be naked in that photo! (GETS REALLY NERVOUS and starts praying again) Oh no I didn't mean that! I'm sorry please forgive me lord of faith! (mimes holy cross in a panic).

**SCENE 19 INT. nightingale place - laurence's flat - main area/ bathroom - night**

_the boys are getting drunk and enjoying being prats_

_laurence, who is now very drunk and close to vomit point, CONTINUES to not enjoy himself_

**adam:**

(showing graham a blow up women sex doll) Hey! Hey! Look what we got!

**graham: **

Ah! One at time on that!

_everyone lets out another huge laddish laugh_

**noble:**

MORE BOOZE!

**Laurence:**

No Noble! No more!

**noble:**

Aw what!

**david:**

Yeah who let this lightweight in anyway?

**flynn:**

It's my house!

**david:**

Oh

**richard:**

That explains the dullness then!

_david cackles_

**laurence:**

(V.O.) ugh. Why did I agree to do this. What's the point in having a party if no one appreciates you for it!

**noble:**

Come on Flynn! (indicates pimms bottle) Get some of this down you!

**laurence:**

No

**noble:**

Come on! You wanna fit in don't

**laurence:**

Oh…wait…Noble

_before laurence can finnish his sentence noble pours half a bottle of pimms down his THROAT to cheers from various NEARBY houseguests_

_when he FINISHES, laurence coughs himself to death until he feels vomit coming up to the surface_

**laurence (CONT'D):**

(holding his mouth) Oh god!

_laurence runs into the bathroom with all the other men laughing at him and calling him "lightweight"_

_he then throws up a for while moaning as he does so._

_His MOBILE phone which was in his pocket goes off and he answers it only to find it's his grandma (charlotte) on the end of the phone._

_he tries to talk to her DESPITE being very DISORIENTATED and drunk._

**laurence:**

(on phone) Grandma! Hello! (beat) Yeah I'm fine how be you? (beat) Oh that's great when did he get that? (beat) Oh right…. So is it a town house or….(beat) Semi detached. Right. Well good for him then! (beat) no no I'm fine I'm just you know…settling in. (beat) yeah…. Sorry could you excuse me for one minute? (beat) thank you

_laurence puts the phone to one side and vomits into the toilet again._

_he now is breathing loudly_

**laurence (CONT'D):**

(to himself) (LOOKING AT THE VOMIT) Oh good. Their goes the 300 grams of coffee I had this mourning. Maybe if I'm lucky I'll fall asleep through this party. (beat) if not I can just come back for more can't I (INNOCENTLY LAUGHS TO HIMSELF) (beat) Oh god!

_laurence vomits again_

_he then picks up the phone_

**laurence (CONT'D):**

(on phone) Oh no no don't worry! No I'm popular (beat) yeah yeah I'm popular. It's good… good…very good

_laurence faints_

**SCENE 20 INT. nightingale place - laurence's flat - main living area/outside corridor/bathroom - NIGHT**

_the beastie boy's "fight for your right" starts playing_

**richard:**

(to everyone in the room) Oi shut up I love this song!

**all:**

Yeah!

_all the boys start singing along to the song_

**all:**

You wake up late for school man you don't wanna go  
You ask you mom, "Please?" but she still says, "No!"  
You missed two classes and no homework  
But your teacher preaches class like you're some kind of jerk. You gotta fight for your right to party!

_everyone goes back to getting pissed and fooling around._

_we cut to outside where juanita macatinez walks up to the door of the flat. She seems very worried._

_When she hears the music she puts her ear close to the door in an ATTEMPT to work out what is happening_

_cut back to the main area_

**david:**

Hey where's the doll?

**noble:**

(shows the blow up doll) right behind you!

**david: **

(taking the doll off noble) Ah! Give me a go on that!

**noble:**

Hey watch my drink. I'm going for a piss

_noble heads for the bathroom but when he sees the door is closed, he knocks_

**noble (CONT'D):**

Flynn?

_getting no answer he enters the door to find flynn semi-UNCONSCIOUS on the floor with vomit on his face and clothes and on the floor_

**noble (CONT'D):**

Oh god.

_laurence moans_

**noble (CONT'D):**

Come on Flynn. Lets get you some fresh air

_noble helps flynn up and supports him while they MOVE through the main area to the balcony_

_flynn CONTINUES to moan in his DISORIENTATION_.

**chris: **

(TO NOBLE) Hey Stephen? (shows noble 4 BOTTLES of different types of whisky) Look at this!

**noble: **

Hey don't you open that until I get back!

_flynn and noble exit onto the balcony_

**SCENE 21 EXT. nightingale place - laurence's flat - balcony - NIGHT**

_laurence sits on the SWING-ABLE bench on the balcony._

_He is COVERED with a duvet and is drinking a cup of warm tea still in a DISORIENTATED state_

_noble sits next ot him and "COMFORTS" him_

_laurence lets out a huge groan_

**noble:**

Wow. Isn't this the best!

**flynn:**

(trying to get his VISION back) oh… what's going on!

**noble:**

Believe me if I had my way to what paradise would be. This would be it!

**flynn:**

This sucks!

**noble:**

What! Are you not enjoying yourself?

**flynn:**

No! I feel like shit!

**noble:**

That's cause your not drunk enough. (tries to hand flynn a beer can) Here have some beer!

**flynn: **

No! I think I've had enough and I think _you _have too!

**noble: **

Nonsense I could manage a few more beers!

_noble, in his state of DRUNKENNESS, takes a near by hanging flower bed and pours the water into his mouth drinking it_

_laurence watches in horror_

**noble (CONT'D):**

(WIPING his mouth and putting the plant back) Ah nothing like the liquid of life eh Flynn?

**flynn:**

(pause) my god your pissed!

**noble:**

Yeah. Pissed like a urinal!

_noble laughs his head off at his very poor joke._

_Laurence remains bemused_

**flynn:**

I don't get it!

**noble:**

Cause you don't get it! Your not drunk enough! (trying again to give laurence the beer can) Here have some beer!

**flynn:**

No! Absolutely not!

**noble:**

Ah the hell with you. You know what your problem is Flynn?

**flynn:**

What?

**Noble:**

Your afraid to try out new things

**flynn:**

Really. You know I'm beginning to wonder why. Probably because I'll end up like this!

**noble:**

Ah lighten up. This isn't so bad!

**flynn:**

Noble! I'm half at fainting point, I'm as dizzy as a spinning top, my mouth tastes like vomit and I've just wet myself!

**noble:**

(CONCERNed) Eh?

**flynn:**

No wait.(pause) _Now _I have!

_laurence completely breaks down and puts his face in his hands in complete EMBARRASSMENT_

**noble: **

Yes but your popular! And because your poplar your can live your life to max and love every bit of it!

**flynn:**

Well it must not be working on me because I'm not loving every bit of my life. In fact I hate myself right now!

**noble:**

That's cause your not adding enough excitement to it! You've got to be like me!

**flynn:**

Really?

**noble:**

Yes. You've gotta be living your life like you'll never forget it! Gotta be ready when nature calls

**flynn:**

Please don't rub it in my face Noble!

_noble begins to undo his flies_

**noble:**

You see Flynn. In my opinion you should be ready for what's ever coming in your life. Like I am now

**flynn: **

What are you doing?

**noble:**

Gonna try and hit that tree!

**flynn:**

Oh your disgusting Noble!

**noble:**

You can talk. You've just wet yourself. Oh isn't it great that you can finally hear that phrase about yourself Flynn!

_noble urinates over the side of the balcony letting out a satisfying sigh as he does so_

**SCENE 22 EXT. street - NIGHT**

_Ziggy and Emma are walking back from the theatre_

_emma is very displeased with how she's had to spend her night_

_ziggy CONTINUES to fake her enjoyment_

**ziggy:**

Well I don't know about you but I loved every minute of that didn't you Auntie Emma?

**emma: **

Remind me again why we did that again darling?

**ziggy:**

Well I thought we ought to get out of the house for once. (QUIETLY to herself) While the lock's broken

**emma:**

Yes well if you want my honest opinion darling. I think there are better ways for women to spend their lives. I personally enjoy the crossword puzzle. I shall teach it to you tomorrow

**ziggy: **

Right. I better get that lock fixed then!

_ziggy sees from a distance that the party is still going on in laurence flat_

**ziggy (CONT'D):**

Oh no!

**emma:**

(beat) Is something bothering you darling?

**ziggy:**

(cutting emma off) Why do we have to go home now?

_emma is confused_

**emma: **

(beat) I'm sorry darling?

**ziggy:**

Lets go to a café! Girl's night out eh?

_emma stares at ziggy with concern_

**emma:**

(pause) Ziggy darling have you heard of sleep?

**ziggy:**

yes

**emma:**

Well you should do it more often, it would suit you!

**ziggy:**

(trying to block the sight of the party from emma) Oh come on!

**emma: **

Out of our way darling!

**ziggy:**

(DESPERATE) Come on you know you love me!

_emma sees the party in the distance and becomes INSTANTLY horrified_

**emma:**

What an earth!

_after a short pause noble's urine starts pouring down onto the STREET IN FRONT of the two women_

**ziggy:**

(innocent) Oh look Auntie Emma it's raining!

_laurence (who is o.o.v) vomits down onto the street_

**ziggy (CONT'D): **

It's snowing!

_emma becomes FURIOUS and towards the building grabbing ziggy by the arm and taking her with her exiting_

**SCENE 23 EXT. nightingale place - laurence's flat - balcony/ INT. laurence's flat - main living area/outside corridor - NIGHT**

_noble does up his flies having FINISHED his "BUSINESS"_

**FLYNN:**

I can't believe you just did that!

**noble:**

I can but the bloody stop sign made it bounce away from the tree!

**flynn:**

Oh god! I'm gonna go get change. Please for god sake don't do that again!

**noble: **

oh well I'll try Flynn but you know when nature calls I just have to go with it!

_the doorbell rings_

**noble (CONT'D):**

Doorbell!

**flynn:**

Aw what! What now?

**noble:**

Relax it's probably just the penis shape cake!

**flynn:**

I didn't order a penis shaped cake!

**noble:**

No but _we_ did!

_noble cackles_

**flynn:**

Can I ask why? Surely a boob shaped cake would be more appropriate!

**noble:**

Oh yeah (another cackle) That's even better than the male stripper!

_noble lets out another loud cackle and laurence rolls his eyes_

**flynn:**

Oh for god sake!

laurence attempts to exit the balcony but finds himself banging into various parts of the wall in ATTEMPT to find the door

**flynn (CONT'D):**

Where's the door?

_noble opens the door for flynn who exits THROUGH it into the main area_

_he then, whilst holding onto things in an attempt to keep his balance heads for the door_

_we then cut to juanita outside ringing the doorbell still in her worried state_

_laurence answers the door_

**laurence:**

Aw what now!

_laurence becomes instantly shocked when he sees juanita at the door and changes his tone to a much softer, caring one_

**laurence (CONT'D):**

Juanita!

**juanita:**

Doctor Flynn?

**laurence:**

This a nice surprise. How'd you get here?

_juanita starts crying_

**juanita:**

(in spanish) I'm sorry

_laurence picks up his keys from the side, shuts the door and goes to COMFORT juanita_

**laurence: **

Oh no don't cry! What's wrong?

**juanita:**

(spanish) I didn't know who else to turn to.

**laurence:**

(in spanish) It's ok. What's happened? Is this about this mourning

**juanita:**

(SPANISH) I have to leave for Spain tomorrow

**laurence:**

(spanish) I know. Why are you gonna miss us?

_JUANITA lets out a big sob_

**laurence (CONT'D):**

(SPANISH) Oh no. I'm sorry. (beat) look has something happened?

**juanita:**

(SPANISH) (beat) It's Pedro. He wants a divorce!

**laurence:**

(SPANISH) A divorce! You were married?

**juanita: **

(SPANISH) Yes. We married too young but I thought it would last much longer than this!

**laurence:**

(SPANISH) What happened?

**juanita:**

(SPANISH) He says he doesn't love me anymore. He's been seeing an air hostess while I've been in England. He wants to marry her.

**LAURENCE: **

(SPANISH) That's terrible!

**juanita:**

(SPANISH) I know. What's even worse is what my family will think. Their already ashamed of me for not giving them any grandchildren! They say I care too much about my work but I love being a nurse! I'm not ready. I'm too young you know?

**laurence: **

(SPANISH) Of course you are

**juanita:**

(spanish) I can't believe it. I'm only 27 and I'm already divorced. Love must hate me!

**laurence: **

(SPANISH) Don't say that!

**juanita:**

(SPANISH) Why not. I thought being married was supposed to make you happy but it doesn't it's just full of heartbreak!

**laurence:**

(SPANISH) Not always.

**JUANITA:**

(SPANISH) I doubt it!

**laurence:**

(SPANISH) No erm. (tries to find the right words) Look just because one person can't handle a relationship with you doesn't mean another one couldn't.(beat) (TO HIMSELF) take Judy for example.

**juanita: **

(SPANISH) Oh. Are you ok?

**laurence:**

(SPANISH) What? Oh no forgive my soppiness. I'm a bit drunk!

**juanita:**

(SPANISH) oh?(beat) _How_ drunk?

**laurence:**

(SPANISH) Well lets just say in my eyes you're a vegetable!

**juanita: **

(SPANISH) Oh! What type of vegetable?

**LAURENCE: **

(SPANISH) a strawberry!

**juanita:**

(SPANISH) (CONCERNed) (pause) your _very _drunk!

**laurence: **

(SPANISH) Yeah I know

**juanita:**

(SPANISH) Oh Doctor Flynn I don't want to go back to Spain! I hate it there! The work is horrible everyone always competes with each other! I like it here! Everyone's so nice!

**laurence:**

(SPANISH) Yes we are I suppose. (HAVING MEMORIES OF BULLYING) At least to some people!

**juanita:**

(SPANISH) what am I going to do? I thought England would just pass over me but it's made me realise how unhappy I was in Spain. I don't wanna go!

**laurence:**

(SPANISH) (pause) then stay.

**juanita:**

(SPANISH) (beat) What? Oh no I couldn't! Where would I work?

**laurence:**

(SPANISH) Get a job at South Middlesex! Start a fresh!

**juanita:**

(SPANISH) really?

**laurence:**

(SPANISH) Yeah! We always need new nurses as you know. (TO HIMSELF) And it would be nice to have one that Noble hasn't shagged!

**juanita:**

(SPANISH) That would be great! But where would I live?

**laurence:**

(SPANISH) Live here with me!

**juanita:**

(SPANISH) What?

**laurence:**

(SPANISH) Well not _with_ me. But there's a flat downstairs that's not being used. It's not expensive to rent!

**juanita:**

(SPANISH) (EXCITED) Really!

**laurence:**

(SPANISH) Yeah. Why don't you move in tomorrow! It'll be nice have a friend around!

_juanita gives flynn a big hug_

**juanita:**

(SPANISH) Oh thank you so much! You don't know what this means to me!

**laurence:**

(SPANISH) Oh no it's fine! Now I can get to know you more

_the two share a laugh_

**laurence:**

Your beautiful

**juanita: **

(SPANISH) what?

**laurence:**

(SPANISH) (trying to hide what he just said) You're a different vegetable now! Your now a carrot!

**juanita:**

(SPANISH) oh good! Your drunkenness is wearing off. I like carrots!

**laurence:**

(SPANISH) oh great!

**juanita:**

(SPANISH) (noticing the wet patch on laurence's jeans) Oh! You spilt something?

_laurence gets very EMBARRASSED_

**laurence:**

(SPANISH) Oh erm… Yes I spilt my tea. How very rude of me. I meant to get changed but…

**juanita:**

(SPANISH) (COMFORTING laurence by placing her hand on his cheek) It's ok your drunk.

**laurence: **

(SPANISH) (blushing) Oh… right…yes

_the two stare at each other sharing a somewhat "romantic" moment_

_suddenly a delivery man enters_

**DELIVERY MAN :**

(COUGHS) (IN A POSH INNOCENT ACCENT) One penis cake sir!

**laurence: **

(putting his head in his hand) Oh for god sake!

_adam pokes his head around the door and sees the cake_

**adam:**

Ah great! It's here! (takes the cake)

**laurence:**

Aw!

**juanita:**

(SPANISH) What's going on in there!

**laurence: **

Oh no!

_juanita opens the door to find the whole crowd of men STARING at her and LAURENCE with big smiles of EXCITEMENT on their faces_

**chris:**

(to flynn) Oi oi! Who's this then?

**adam:**

We didn't invite a women! She must be the STRIPPER!

**JUANITA:**

(DISGUSTED) (SPANISH) What the bloody love of shit!

**noble: **

Hey Flynn! You got a stripper?

**flynn:**

NO! I…

**noble:**

My god. This man keeps on giving and giving doesn't he!

**juanita:**

Aie!

**CHRIS:**

Great now Dave doesn't have to do it!

**richard:**

You could have got a themed one though! (looking at juanita's "casual" outfit) Look what she's wearing!

**david: **

Hey! As teachers always say when your being bullied… it's what's on the inside that counts!

**richard:**

Well lets see her in action then!

**chris:**

Yeah! Take em off!

**JUANITA:**

(SPANISH) What on earth!

**flynn:**

No you don't understand!

**chris:**

(to flynn) Shut up lightweight! (TO NOBLE) Get some music on this girl!

**noble: **

Right o!

_noble goes up to laurence's hi-fi SYSTEM and puts on his goldfrapp cd resulting in "ohh la la" being played_

**chris:**

YAY! Perfect!

_ALL THE MEN CHEER AND JUANITA STANDS STILL FOR A MOMENT NOT KNOWING WHAT TO DO_

_HOWEVER AFTER A FEW MINUTES SHE SMILES AND TAKES HER PLACE ON TOP OF LAURENCE'S DINNER TABLE READY TO STRIP_

_laurence watches in horror_

**LAURENCE: **

(TO JUANITA) (SPANISH) What are you doing?

**JUANITA:**

(SPANISH) Pedro would have hated this! (to all the men) Aie!

_juanita begins to STRIP in time to the music_

_this goes on for a while. During in which she brings graham close to her on the table and starts flirting to him much to his enjoyment._

_laurence stands and watches in horror_

**flynn:**

Noble this wasn't meant to happen! What do it do!

**noble:**

(DRUNK) Flynn. Why can't you just sit back and watch what your missing in your life!

_laurence looks at noble DISGUSTED to what he has just SAID_

_JUANITA has stripped down to her underwear and boots and graham has joined the crowd of men again_

**juanita:**

(SPANISH) Who's next?

**richard:**

What she say?

**graham:**

She said "Who's next"

_all the men battle for juanita's CHOOSING with load shouting_

_noble calms them down_

**noble:**

Alright! Alright! Come on gentleman! Why don't we let our (indicates flynn) host get this one!

**flynn: **

Oh Noble! No!

**all:**

YEAH!

**Noble:**

Come on Flynn!

**FLYNN:**

NO!

_JUANITA MAKES A CALLING GESTURE TO FLYNN WITH HER FINGERS_

**DAVID:**

Oh! She's calling you mate!

**richard:**

You wouldn't wanna keep a women waiting!

**noble:**

(pushing flynn onto the table) Get up there Flynn!

_to loud cheers from the crowd, JUANITA does some hard flirting with flynn including undoing the top buttons of his shirt and licking his chest. During this period laurence becomes more and more TERRIFIED_

_This goes on for a while but is broken when emma enters fuming with rage with a TERRIFIED ziggy_

**emma:**

SO!

_the music stops as LAURENCE SEES EMMA AND BECOMES OVERWHELMED WITH EMBARRASSMENT while juanita falls off the table_

**laurence:**

(high pitched and tearful) Oh god!

**emma:**

So! This is what I come home too. A bunch of drunk, scruffy men slobbering over a naked women! How predictable!

_the men, as they watch her rant, QUIETLY giggle at emma_

**emma (CONT'D):**

I don't know what you laughing at! No wait! I do! Your laughing at a women shouting her knickers off at you! You've just never seen it before because the TV has always been on!

_emma sees juanita and directs her attention to her_

**emma (CONT'D):**

Oh and what do we have here! A whore!

_juanita is confused_

**emma (CONT'D):**

(to juanita) I never got ask any of you people how you manage it! Tell me do any of your clients sit and yell at the television while you dance for them! (beat) Or are they just as happy reading the newspaper?

**juanita:**

(beat) (spanish) what?

**emma (CONT'D):**

(shocked) (pause) (to the men) Oh you idiots. The poor girl can't even speak English! (beat) (LOOKING AT JUANITA) Well I have to congratulate you she is a good catch! Don't rely on it though it wont last long! (beat) Especially when she gets to my age and has lines all over her body that wont be nice will it!

_the men CONTINUE to giggle_

**emma (CONT'D):**

Oh you find that funny do you! I bet you dream all day about removing her knickers! (beat) Well you'll be disappointed! You never know what's behind those things these days! (beat) For all you know it could be one of your thingys! (beat) I wouldn't try touching it either. You never know how she'll react! (beat) And if your not careful you'll find yourself with blood all over your hands! (beat) That's what happens if you get us mad! (pause) Oh look at all of you. A bunch of dazed, desperate little bastards! Sometimes I wonder how you manage it. How many brain cells you've lost from all that muck you feed yourself on when your board! Yet you still get offered jobs don't you! Probably because your employer has lost so many brain cells that he can identify with you more! (pause)

_the men CONTINUE to giggle and emma turns her attention to laurence getting up close to him_

**emma (CONT'D):**

Tell me Laurence darling! Are you so desperate to see what a woman hides behind her cloth that you have to hire your own specimen! (beat) Perhaps you'd like to find out by removing mine!

_laurence bursts into tears and COLLAPSES at emma's knees_

**emma (CONT'D):**

(COMFORTING laurence) Oh my poor nephew! How did you end up in such a horrible mould! (beat) Oh don't worry darling. Your young. There's still time for you to have the operation! You're a surgeon you could do it yourself!

_laurence lets out bigger cries and ziggy watches in horror_

**emma (CONT'D):**

It'll take you away where they wont hurt you darling! It doesn't hurt. (_beat_) Oh you can cry all you want! You should ask yourself how your sister feels darling! She's not allowed to show hers to anyone!

**ziggy: **

Auntie Emma!

**emma (CONT'D):**

Look at her. You probably imagine how many men are piling up asking themselves what her's is like but they'll never know will they!

**ziggy:**

AUNTIE EMMA!

**emma (CONT'D):**

Perhaps _you'd _like to find out darling I mean you seem very interested. You've been crying on mine for a long time would you like to see more?

_ziggy grabs emma by the arm and drags her out of the room_

**ziggy:**

ALRIGHT THAT'S IT YOUR GOING DOWNSTAIRS!

_EMMA EXITS_

**ZIGGY (CONT'D):**

(_to the crowd_) (_EMBARRASSED_) Er. Sorry (_beat_) It's probably best if you don't ask to many questions! (_beat_) god bless you all!

_ziggy runs off terrified_

_laurence slowly stands up still flooded with tears_

_seeing everyone's shocking stare at him he breaks down into an angry rant_

**flynn: **

OK THERE YOU HAVE IT! YES! I FIND IT IMPOSSIBLE TO MIX WITH WHAT YOU DO! YES! I'M A COMPLETE SOCIAL REJECT THAT CAN'T COMPETE WITH THE REAL WORLD! WELL AT LEAST YOU KNOW WHY! YES! I'M A NEUROTIC CLUMSY LITTLE TWIT WHO'S PENIS IS THE SIZE OF A WATSIT! WELL I TELL YOU SOMETHING YOU GOT VERY CLOSE TO IT NOT BEING EVEN THAT CAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT WOMEN CAN DO! YOU WERE ALL RIGHT! YES! YES! I CAN'T STOP SAYING YES! YES! I AM A COMPLETE FAILURE AND BEFORE YOU ASK YES I HAVE JUST WET MYSELF AT YOUR EXPENSE AND I CAN TELL YOU IT WASN'T EASY CONSIDERING HOW BUSY I WAS VOMITING UP ALL THE SHIT THAT YOU CAN SAFELY GULP DOWN YOUR SYSTEMS EVERYDAY WELL I ADMIRE ALL OF YOU. I ALMOST CERTAINLY NOT AS STRONG AS YOU ALL ARE BUT AS YOU KNOW THAT'S PROBABLY DUE TO ME NOT HAVING ENOUGH OF YOU IN MY LIFE AND THAT EVERYONE ELSE WANTS ME TO BE THE OPPOSITE OF YOU WHICH I CAN'T HELP! SO YOU RIGHT TO STARE AT ME BECAUSE BELIEVE ME I FIND IT AS HILARIOUS AS YOU DO! IN FACT I'M FINDING IT SO FUNNY I'M GONNA LAUGH AT MYSELF RIGHT NOW! (FREAKY HIGH PITCHED LAUGH) IN FACT WHY DON'T YOU LAUGH WITH ME THAT'LL BE SOMETHING WE HAVE IN COMMON. COME ON! (ANOTHER FREAKY HIGH PITCHED LAUGH)

_PAUSE AS EVERYONE STARES AT FLYNN IN FRIGHT_

**FLYNN (CONT'D): **

IN FACT I'VE GOT A BETTER IDEA WHY DON'T YOU JUST LEAVE ME TO CRY. THAT'LL BE MUCH MORE EFFECTIVE ON YOUR BEHALF! IT'S WORKED A MILLION TIMES BEFORE SO WHY DON'T YOU GIVE IT A TRY?

**GRAHAM:**

(_TO NOBLE_) Stephen can we leave? This man is scaring me!

**noble: **

Er…yep

**graham:**

(_to the crowd_) come on guys. Lets go to my house. It's safer there

_the boys begin to leave_

**graham (CONT'D):**

(_to juanita_) You can come with us!

**juanita: **

Oo!

_Juanita grabs her clothes and leaves with the others_

**noble:**

(_to laurence_) Look Flynn…

**flynn: **

No Noble. Thanks for trying. It wasn't gonna work for me.

**noble:**

Look…

**flynn:**

No go and join the others I know you want to!

_noble, with a sigh, joins the others exiting_

_when laurence is left alone, he sits down on the sofa and puts his head in his hands with a sob_

**SCENE 24 INT. mess - NIGHT **

_laurence is attempting to make coffee in his melancholic state_

_after pouring out the boiling water from the kettle he tries to spoon up some coffee_

_when he finds out there is no coffee left, he sighs and grabs a tea bag and makes himself a cup of tea_

_laurence's bleeper, which was, on the side board, goes off by playing a realtone version of the white stripe's "black math"_

**flynn:**

(_to the bleeper_) yeah you think you're the only one in pain. Get a ticket and wait in line.

_noble enters_

**noble:**

Hey Flynn.

_flynn ignores noble and makes tea in a tea pot_

**noble (CONT'D):**

You know that's the tea pot Graham vomited in!

_laurence rolls his eyes and pours the tea he was making down the sink as well as dropping the tea pot itself in the sink_

**flynn:**

(_pause_) Look I already feel agonised about what happened yesterday so whatever mean or snide comment you have to make about it. Write it on a post-it note and stick it on my window. I'm going to sleep!

**noble:**

What you didn't enjoy yourself?

**flynn:**

No Noble I didn't. And if you don't mind I wont be organising any more parties in the future unless you want to give me a nervous breakdown which I would completely understand if that was your target as it's seems to be everyone else's.

**noble:**

What are you talking about? It was brilliant! Graham had a blast!

**flynn: **

(_curious_) Really?

**noble: **

Yeah he said your auntie was the most hilarious thing he'd ever seen! He wants to give her a slot at the comedy club!

**flynn:**

(_rolling his eyes_) oh.

**noble: **

Look Flynn…

**flynn:**

No Noble. I appreciate you really giving a good go at this mentoring thing but you can't solve everything in my life. I'm not gonna try and mix any more.

**noble: **

(_stunned_) Oh (_beat_) can I ask why?

**flynn: **

(_beat_) Noble I'm not like you. Ok. I didn't have friends when I was growing up. I'm not surprised I don't have any now. Lets just leave it at that

_laurence attempts to exit_

**noble:**

Flynn…

**flynn:**

No Noble. I really you trying but (_beat_) your wasting your time!

_laurence attempts again to leave but is stopped by noble_

**noble:**

Wait. Flynn

**flynn:**

No please.

**noble:**

No let me say this! (_pause_) listen I thought about what happened yesterday and… I realise what you must be going through in your life at the moment is quite… difficult… and I don't know if it would make the slightest bit of difference but…(_shows flynn a small book wrapped in some wrapping paper_) I got you this!

**flynn:**

Oh what's this? Another vile of adrenaline?

**noble:**

No! Open it!

_after a short pause. Flynn does so __revealing _the book to be a rather bright red diary

**noble (CONT'D):**

It's a diary. Write about your life.

**flynn:**

(_surprised_) Oh. (_Pause_) Thanks Noble

**noble:**

Your welcome. (puts his hand on flynn's shoulder) Don't give up yet mate! (beat) It would be a shame if you did. (pause) see you tomorrow.

_Noble exits_

_Laurence takes a look at his red diary and goes to sit down on the sofa with it_

_he takes a pen from his top white coat pocket and begins to write_

**laurence:**

(V.O.) Dear diary. (_angry_) Well you'll never guess what happened to me yesterday!

_Laurence looks up and after a short pause laughs to himself_

**laurence (CONT'D):**

(V.O.) (_smiling_) yep you'll never guess what happened to me yesterday but I can tell you I'm lucky to be talking to you about it. At least in my own tone of voice!

_Noble enters again_

**noble: **

Oh just one other thing. If it ever were to come up again for… whatever reason or circumstance it may be (beat) I would be more than happy to perform the operation!

_laurence puts his head in his hands_

_black out_

END OF EPISODE


End file.
